You're setting boundaries wrong, according to a therapist. Here's how to do it the right way.

• "Setting boundaries" is a popular term that can be misinterpreted, according to a therapist.
• Some people can use it to cut ties with people or go "no contact."

It seems like everyone is "setting boundaries" these days. When done well, setting boundaries is a good thing: it can help people disentangle themselves from unhealthy relationships and enmeshed families.

But recently, some people have invoked the term when cutting off friendships or threatening to break up with romantic partners, adding friction to their relationships.

Sometimes, there are extreme situations where going "no-contact" with someone is the best option.

But according to Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, a clinical psychologist, "when the first boundary you set is estrangement, that is a case of setting a boundary too late."

Insider spoke to Gibson about how to set boundaries in a healthy way, where both people can continue to grow.

Boundaries should be set before cutting contact

The irony of cutting contact as a "boundary" is that it usually happens because you never set real boundaries to begin with.

"It means you have not said anything or stood up for yourself or created space for yourself," Gibson said.

Maybe you want to stop being friends with someone because they talk about themselves too much or flaked on plans a few times — but you never told them that it was an issue for you. They'll likely feel shocked to hear that the relationship is over, and not understand what they did wrong.

"It leaves the other person sort of shamed and cut off without any hope of working anything out," she said.

Sometimes, this can happen if you've had an epiphany about your life, Gibson said, such as realizing you tend to be walked all over.

"You might have this kind of sudden reaction where you're trying to assert your independence in one fell swoop," she said. This can result in feeling like you need to remove people from your life who feel like they take up too much space.

But while cutting people off can quickly reduce unhealthy dynamics, severing ties "may not be the best way for you to grow from the experience," she said.

Communicating your needs in a fair, kind way takes practice

Instead, focus on learning how to communicate your needs within a relationship.

"A lot of boundary-setting is kind of difficult and scary because you don't want to offend somebody or you don't quite know how to do it without being too aggressive," she said.

The best way to get good at speaking up for yourself in a way that's considerate and effective? Practice, Gibson said.

"If you find someone who is willing to let you practice telling them what's gone wrong in the relationship, that's only going to be good for your growth," she said. And it will help the other person grow, too.

In some cases, cutting contact does make sense

But sometimes, cutting contact is the right thing to do — and that's okay.

For example, if you're dealing with an emotionally immature parent, narcissistic partner, or someone who has a history of emotional dysregulation, yelling or the silent treatment might be the result no matter how diplomatically you express yourself. In those moments, you might instead decide to quietly lower contact or tell them you're cutting them off.

"Sometimes, what look like sudden estrangements are really an act of self-preservation," Gibson said.

In relationships where you feel like your basic needs are always up for debate, the best boundary can be one you don't open up for discussion.