Will Smith's intimacy coach says people cheat or divorce because of unexplored fantasies and fears

• Intimacy coach Michaela Boehm told Will Smith to picture his wildest fantasy, having a "harem of girlfriends."
• Smith said the exercise helped him realize he felt shame around non-monogamy.
• Boehm told Insider anyone can use the exercise to prevent relationship turmoil and get clear about your goals.

When Will Smith worked with intimacy coach Michaela Boehm, she told him to picture his deepest romantic and sexual fantasy of having a "harem of girlfriends" including Halle Berry and Misty Copeland.

The exercise, which Smith discussed in a recent profile by GQ reporter Wesley Lowery, is beneficial for anyone looking to get the relationship of their dreams, harem or not, Boehm told Insider.

When Smith completed the exercise, he said it helped him shed shame around finding other women attractive while married to Jada Pinkett Smith. In doing so, he also realized he didn't want to act on his fantasy.

As the divorce rate continues to rise in the US, couples are redefining what a successful relationship looks like. For the Smiths, that meant considering non-monogamy an option for their dynamic. Even for those who want to remain monogamous, being honest with yourself about your ultimate relationship goals and needs, whether it's finances, family-planning, or sexual kinks, is the best way to find long-term satisfaction, said Boehm.

"In many people, the gap between what's expected in a committed relationship and what they haven't explored for themselves creates problems. That's why so many people get divorced or cheat, or do strange things within the relationship," Boehm told Insider.

Visualizing fears and fantasies allows for shame-free exploration

According to Boehm, visualizing your deepest fantasies and fears as if they are currently happening allows you to feel how the experience sits in your body, without any real repercussions.

For example, if a married person has a sudden urge to quit their job and move to a remote farm, they should examine why they want that fantasy, according to Boehm. She said most people who have a "mid-life crisis" type of fantasy are attempting to run away from a current fear they don't want to face, like relationship conflict or feeling overwhelmed with life.

Rather than act on that fantasy right away, Boehm tells her clients to picture it and notice how it feels.

Once you have that information, you can use it to find the relationship you truly want, which may involve recalibrating certain aspects of your life as you evolve, she said.

Her goal is to remove shame around people's changing desires and says it's unreasonable to think you'll want the same things you wanted at age 20 as you do at age 40.

"A lot of people just go along for all kinds of reasons. There typically comes a moment where enough growing up or exploration has happened and the life chosen as a late teenager might no longer fit," Boehm said.