Science- When I met my partner at 24, neither of us wanted to be in a long-term, committed relationship.
- As our relationship grew, we became more supportive and decided on a "monogamish" model.
Like most 20- to 30-year-olds these days, I have a lot going on. I run a freelance business and am completing my master's degree — all while trying to maintain an active social and romantic life.
It has always been important for me to chart my own path and prioritize my own happiness. To my surprise, nonmonogamy has become central to this journey.
How I ended up in a nonmonogamous relationship
I met my current partner when I was 24. I was young and had decided to move across the country from Montreal to Vancouver with only $50 in my pocket. It seemed scary, but luckily, I quickly landed a competitive sales job at a unicorn tech company. Six months later, I met an amazing man, Qaid. He was a 26-year-old entrepreneur who had just quit his stable government job to launch a self-funded tech startup.
We were two ambitious, outgoing people who wanted to live their best lives. I wanted to have fun in a new city, complete grad school, and then move back east to be closer to my family and friends. Meanwhile, he had just gotten out of a four-year relationship and was enjoying his freedom while focusing on his business.
Although we appreciated each other's company, we didn't want the compromise of a long-term, committed relationship. Together, we created a framework for what a relationship meant for us to ensure that "we wouldn't get into one." Spoiler alert: We accidentally did it anyway.
Defining our relationship framework
Qaid and I determined that we define a relationship as having three key pillars: fun and enjoyment, support, and shared decision-making.
Fun and enjoyment is all about romantic dates, good laughs, doing activities together, and, ideally, having great sex. Support means being there for someone. It starts by consoling someone after a bad day and can extend to the ultimate support level: being an emergency contact.
Finally, there's shared decision-making. We think this is the crux of a long-term, committed relationship. It can be as small as planning a weekend getaway and as big as buying a house or having kids.
At first, our relationship centered on fun and enjoyment with a little sprinkle of support but absolutely no shared decision-making. We were transparent about seeing other people casually because we "weren't in a relationship."
Without shared decision-making, we were free to do and see whomever we wanted. We didn't establish any rules or agreements around what we would or wouldn't do with other partners, except that we would be honest with all those involved and practice safe sex.
Before long, we unexpectedly found ourselves in a long-term, committed relationship
Within six months, however, we found ourselves hopelessly in love and becoming more supportive of each other's needs. A big turning point was when Qaid took care of me after I tore my ACL while skiing. He brought me flowers, bought me groceries, and drove me to doctor's appointments.
I actually almost broke up with him because it started to seem more like a committed relationship and I felt guilty for burdening him beyond our original agreement. After we had a long chat and a good cry, we decided to keep dating. We both felt happy and free even with the additional support.
By the one-year marker, we had accidentally "maxed out" the support pillar part of our framework by becoming the go-to person for each other's needs. To our surprise, we realized we could have our cake and eat it, too. We could be in a supportive, long-term relationship and still enjoy the freedom to pursue connections with other partners. It was an easy "yes" to commit to each other and we began planning a magical life together.
Creating our 'monogamish' model strengthened our relationship
Seven years later, we've maintained a successfully nonmonogamous relationship by following a "monogamish" model. Qaid and I have proven that you can be life partners and date other people for fun and enjoyment. The relationships we've forged with other people range from one-night stands while away at a conference to yearlong loving relationships. Our other partners have been at our table with us for birthdays and have added so much to our lives, without taking away from our own commitment and long-term relationship plans as a couple.
We like to say love is infinite, but time and resources are not. This new approach to relationships has given us the stability and consistency to buy a home and have kids without denying the fact that Qaid may not meet my every need or that my friend's coworker is smoking hot.
Tips for navigating a monogamish relationship
Don't get me wrong — implementing this model wasn't a walk in the park. I cried angry tears when Qaid could text his other partner all day and go out for cute lunches while I was stuck studying from dawn to dusk. At the time, I was jealous and maybe a little unhappy, but we always worked through it. We came out on the other side stronger and more in love when we put in the work to prioritize each other's happiness, regardless of any temporary discomfort.
If you're interested in nonmonogamy, you've likely heard the tried-and-true ground rules: be honest and considerate, get consent, and practice safe sex. Beyond the basics, here are some more pointed tips for navigating what may be uncharted territory as smoothly as possible:
- Take responsibility for your emotions. It's normal to feel insecure, especially when your partner is feeling that exciting new relationship energy. You may not be able to always control your emotional reactions, but after the initial shock, there are ways to work through your feelings.
- Fight with love. When working through a conflict, focus on the facts, like what you saw or heard. Identify the problem, and make sure you and your partner are working together to solve the problem rather than working against each other.
- Invest in quality time. Schedule weekly date nights, plan regular weekends away, and do activities you enjoy together. Seeing your partner date other people is much easier when you know your own relationship is rock solid.
- Develop a vision for your life together. Shared decision-making is a lot more powerful (and fun!) when the vision you have for your life together is clear and compelling. It also helps overcome any discomfort because you know why you're putting in all this work.
- Schedule regular relationship check-ins. For us, this looks like setting up an "annual offsite retreat" to connect about the health of our relationship. We talk about how we're feeling and form plans to make the upcoming year even better than the last.
- Last but not least, when things get hard, remember it will pass! We've found that it gets easier and more rewarding as time goes by — and frankly, it allows us to future-proof our relationship.