- Once my sons went to college, I felt both elated for them and sad for myself as a parent.
- I decided to channel my energy to refocus on me.
When I got home from college move-in day in 2016, I didn't want to pass by my oldest son's room and see his empty bed. The house sounded quieter even though his brother — a busy high-school junior — was still at home with me.
While I knew my firstborn would return eventually, this felt like the end of an era. I had to learn to navigate this transition. Two years later, my second son went off to college, and I really felt lost. As a divorced, single mother, I was officially an empty nester.
I had to find ways to fill the void my sons left when they went off to college; I had to learn how to prioritize myself again.
Sending my sons off to college left a void
Once my sons went to college, my whole life changed. My hours were no longer jammed with work and nonstop activities such as school projects and functions, attending track meets, making family meals, shuttling them to social events, and teaching them to drive. A vast emptiness left me feeling lost. Though I was elated that they were in college and pursuing their interests, it left me nostalgic for the time when they were younger and when their lives centered on our activities together.
Now at the grocery store, sadness overwhelmed me in the aisles — I was no longer buying gallons of chocolate milk and cartons of extra-large eggs.
Throughout my time as a single mother, people often said, "Take time to do things for yourself," and, "Make self-care a priority," but there never seemed to be time or money for that. Over the years, I worked long hours and dated a bit, but my priority was always my sons.
I knew I had to make a change, so I used my now open time to be grateful and focus on me
I allowed myself to skulk for a while, but then I knew I had to pick myself back up. I tried to transform my feelings of loneliness and sadness into gratefulness.
When a feeling of sadness washed over me, I took a few moments to be grateful that my children had these opportunities. I reminded myself that they were safe, making friends, having new experiences, and learning advanced skills.
I then refocused my energy on doing things for myself
It wasn't always easy to step out of my comfort zone to be open to meeting people and trying new activities. I was starting over and had to decide what my next chapter would look like. I did not make decisions quickly. Instead, I gave myself two years to test out what worked for me.
I started with small steps. I brainstormed ideas that would fill my time and be rewarding. I thought back to what I used to like to do before the kids came along: physical activities, being outdoors, reading and writing, and connecting with people for good conversation.
I then developed some routines. This included a walk in the morning or in the evening after dinner. I asked friends to join me until a few of us started a regular meetup. I joined a couch-to-5k class and met some great people.
When alone, I listened to music or downloaded audiobooks. I listened when I drove and even when I cleaned up around the house. I also watched movies and binged on shows I enjoyed.
Next, I tackled my health. I started making simple meals and eating better. I practiced yoga several times a week, which helped me relax and stretch. It also helped me become aware and work through my feelings. At the gym, I tried to be friendly to people and attend different types of classes. After becoming comfortable there, I said hello to members and staff I would see frequently. Over time, being open and starting conversations became more natural.
I still get lonely and sad, but it's a work in progress
Weekends, filled with long stretches of alone time, were the worst. I started setting up coffee or lunch get-togethers to reconnect with friends I had not seen in a while. I considered places to volunteer or classes to take online or in person.
I began to feel more content and balanced as I focused on simple things I like to do and those that were good for me.
Whenever I get sad or lonely now, I remind myself that my kids are watching me: how I react, adapt, and care for myself in times of change. Even after they reach 18, I'm still a role model as a parent —and a person.
They may look as if they are not paying attention, but they are. I can show them that change and learning to let go are parts of life. I can be an example of how to flourish once one phase ends and the next begins. They will notice and know what to do when their time comes.