My husband and I have never hidden our polyamory from our kids. Here's how we navigate dating, breakups, and more.

• When my husband, Daniel, and I told our kids we were polyamorous, they accepted the idea quickly.
• I didn't intend on having any partners live with us, but that changed two years into dating Ty.

When my husband, Daniel, and I started talking about opening our marriage, we took things very slowly. We went to couples counseling, read books about the topic, and started attending family-friendly polyamory events together, offered by a local polyamory group. We also brought our two children — D, who is 11 years old, and H, 9 — to these events even before we had other partners.

This was six years ago, when D was 5 and H was 3, so they were quite a bit younger then, but I wanted them to see what other polyamorous families looked like. Mostly, they didn't seem to notice that anything was different about these families; if they did, they didn't care enough to ask any questions about it. They just wanted to play and make friends and meet people, and they did.

I also never, ever wanted to lie to my children about the changes in our family, nor did I want to ask them to lie to others for me. Soon after Daniel and I had begun talking to other people on dating apps, I broached the conversation with my kids directly that we were attracted to multiple people and that their father and I might start dating other people. I showed them examples of other polyamorous and LGBTQ families as a reference. They never seemed to think the concept of polyamory was all that different or interesting, and it was normalized for them very quickly.

When my husband and I started seeing other people, we always prioritized our family

As Daniel and I started dating other people, we made sure one of us was always home with them; it was important for us to prioritize our family over our newfound dating life. At first, we also had no intent of ever living with another partner.

My kids, spouse, and our household always came first. Most of my partners — and most of Daniel's — had their own primary partners whom they lived with, so it wasn't even an option. While I occasionally invited partners over for dinner and parties and such, my kids didn't really get attached to them the way they did with Ty, whom I met in 2018.

About two years into our relationship, it was clear that it was a lot more serious than others I'd been in, so I asked Daniel and my children how they would feel about Ty moving in with us. I wouldn't have ever asked someone to join our space permanently without permission from all three of them. I approached them individually to give them all a chance to voice their opinions to me one-on-one, then the four of us talked about it together before having another conversation with Ty included.

I was honest with my kids about everything along the way. I told them that most families weren't like ours, that many people disagreed with our relationships and with polyamory in general, and that it might be awkward for them if they chose to talk about it at school or with friends. Regardless of all that, D, H, and Daniel all enthusiastically said yes. Ty was coming and staying over all the time anyway, and it already felt like he was part of our family.

Daniel, Ty, and I talked to our individual therapists about it, too, because we wanted to talk about our doubts, fears, and concerns. They said to focus on maintaining our children's sense of security and stability, which we take very seriously. The three of us made commitments to each other, and to the kids.

At the beginning of 2020, we moved into a house together. When COVID-19 lockdowns started, we were all home all the time spending a lot of time together. It was an incredible bonding experience for my new family. My kids love Ty and call him their second dad, and they feel supported by our network of friends, partners, and family.

We're picky about which partners meet our kids

In my experience — and hearing from other polyamorous people who have had disastrous situations — I've learned to be choosy about which partners I allow around my children. No relationship or marriage is guaranteed to last, after all. Since Daniel, Ty, and I date more people, we're likely to deal with more breakups, too.

I don't want my children to have to go through breakups with us, and one of the ways I prevent that is by taking precautions around whom I get close to. I date only people I feel like I could trust to be around my children. One of my fears is that they would get attached to people who would later abandon them, and I want to avoid that as much as possible.

I've found that it's a good idea for polyamorous parents to talk to prospective partners about how to handle a hypothetical breakup before they get serious with them, which is what we do. And if any of the three parents in the household happen to have more casual partners, they don't come over to our house very often, if ever.

I refuse to be ashamed about being polyamorous — and my kids aren't ashamed of me, either

As for what other people will think, I don't let that bother me. Many people ask me whether I'm worried that my kids will be teased or excluded. I live in a fairly progressive area, and I have open-minded friends who welcome my family into their homes, as well as other polyamorous friends.

Even if I didn't, I don't think that's a good enough reason to hide my family. I love my family, and I'm proud of what we've built. In fact, I think It's very beneficial to be open about it with our children. Secrecy implies shame, and I refuse to be ashamed that I'm polyamorous. My children are just as loved, safe, and secure as children with monogamous parents.

Just because we've figured out what works for us doesn't mean it's easy all the time. All of our respective extended families are quite conservative, though most of them have come around. My grandmother has cut out all contact with my family over the issue of polyamory. Even of the ones who still talk to us, many of them think we're wrong and that we're going to hell.

It's for this reason that I wish that more people would talk to their children about different kinds of relationship structures and families. Not everyone comes from a family with two cisgender, heterosexual parents who are still together. There's no exact definition on what defines a family. Kids in polyamorous families can be healthy, happy, and well-adjusted, and my family is proof of that.