- Two years ago I had my first child but I was hit with a serious bout of paternal depression.
- I didn't know that men were at risk.
Two years ago, I had my first child. Nothing could have prepared me for the huge change she brought to my life. The first time I held her, I realized I had never seen anything so perfect. The love I felt was overwhelming, and for a month, I lived in a state of bliss. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I saw her when I closed my eyes, and I watched her sleep for hours at night.
But then, out of nowhere, I became deeply depressed.
One consequence of my daughter being so perfect to me was a sense that I would never be good enough for her. I hadn't achieved enough, I wasn't strong enough. These negative thoughts started to spiral out of control.
I had suicidal thoughts
I remember sitting with my newborn one morning and holding her hand when she was about 6 weeks old. It was early, and the sun was just coming up. I looked at her tiny fingers, and I held them one by one and marveled at them. At the same time, I couldn't stop thinking that I should kill myself, that she would be better off without me.
The worse the depression got, the more isolated I became. I didn't want to be a burden on my partner, as she had so much to tackle, so I did not speak with her about what I was going through.
My ability to cope with the depression became bound up with how I viewed myself as a father and a husband.
My mom also had depression
Many of my maternal family members have suffered from depression in one way or another, and I remembered my mother's own bouts of depression. They followed her like a ghost through her adult life.
Having a parent who suffered from depression during my own childhood meant I was determined that my daughter would have a different experience. I kept silent and convinced myself that my silence was an act of love. But ultimately, this led to me becoming even more isolated.
There have been many studies on postpartum depression in women, and it is a well-known risk factor for poor psychological outcomes for children. However, academics have noted that paternal depression during and after pregnancy is not being researched enough.
One group of researchers in 2022 called it "The silent pandemic," and studies have shown that one in 10 dads struggle with postpartum depression and anxiety.
Learning about these sorts of studies helped me become more objective about the feelings I was having. Other fathers were going through something similar to me, even if I didn't know of any who were speaking out about their experiences.
I began to fight back against the illness. I reached out to a doctor and started running for miles each day through the countryside to get my endorphins going. I also gradually opened up about it to my partner, but in a way that I felt comfortable with, where I could feel like I wasn't putting too much pressure on her.
Just getting on with looking after my daughter and not worrying about what it meant to be a father helped as well. I was the only one who could get her to sleep, and I put in the hours, holding her against my chest and rocking her, late into the night.
I realized I was never going to be perfect as a parent, but I could do my best.