When I tried to break up with my girlfriend, she threatened to hurt herself. What do I do now?

• Threats of self-harm over your actions are a form of relationship manipulation, a trauma expert told Insider.
• Tell your partner their words make you feel unsafe. Offer help from a distance, but place the accountability on them.
• Be sure to have your own support system, like friends, family, and a therapist.

Editor's note: This article mentions suicide and suicidal ideation.

Dear Julia,

About six weeks before last year's shutdown, I met a woman. I'll call her Lanie, which is not her real name.

We hit it off immediately, even though she's 10 years older than me. Lanie moved into my place for a few months during the pandemic. It was during that time I realized I no longer had any sexual interest in her.

I've made it clear to her that isn't going to change. The sad part is Lanie is truly a good person, one of the nicest people I have ever met, and she takes better care of me than any woman I have ever known, my mother included.

But Lanie said if we break up, she might very well kill herself. She suffers from depression and I believe she might actually do it. As shallow as this sounds, I want to be with someone I'm sexually compatible with.

How do I break up with Lanie without leaving her completely shattered, and a harm to herself? How can I not carry the guilt of possibly having caused her to do it?

- St. Louis

Dear St. Louis,

Threats of self-harm shouldn't be taken lightly, and resources from the National Domestic Violence Hotline's Love Is Respect Project and The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration can help.

I understand that tracking down a therapist for advice is challenging these days due to high demand, so I appreciate why you're writing in. I suggest you take this column as a starting point, but you should seek further advice from a mental health professional, like a trauma therapist.

I took your question to Jimanekia Eborn, a sex educator and trauma specialist of 13 years.

Though it could take practice and discipline, you should take steps to set personal boundaries to protect your own wellbeing, she said.

It's jarring to hear someone say they'll self-harm due to your actions, so it's normal to have an emotional reaction at first. But it's also important to remember their words are a form of manipulation, said Eborn.

She said you can offer compassion and support to a partner with mental health concerns, like helping them find a therapist, but you shouldn't make their health your responsibility.

"Dealing with this situation is not on you. This is not about you and it's never your fault. This is an abusive technique, so take the space that you need and take care of yourself when this is happening," Eborn told me.

She suggested reaching out to your community — friends, family, or a therapist, for example — for emotional support. Eborn also said being honest with your soon-to-be ex, and reflecting on the relationship when you're ready, can help you move forward without harboring guilt.

Be honest about how self-harm comments make you feel

It sounds like you've already made your mind up and plan to go through with the breakup.

Though telling a partner your reasons for ending the relationship could offer closure, it's probably not worth it in this situation, Eborn told me. She said sharing your reasons, like a need for sexual compatibility, won't help your partner move forward.

Instead, Eborn said you should be honest with your partner about how her threats of self-harm make you feel, like scared or threatened. It's possible Lanie doesn't fully realize she's trying to manipulate you, so naming how you experience her words could help her see that, according to Eborn.

You could say something like, "When you threaten to hurt yourself when I end our relationship, I feel unsafe. I would love to support you in getting help, but it can't be on me," Eborn said. You can suggest an action plan (like to find a therapist) and offer to help them get started, so they take accountability, she added.

If you're worried Lanie's in-person response could be too intense for you to handle, you can have this talk over the phone, said Eborn.

Focus on taking care of yourself

Once you have the breakup, be sure to take time to process what happened, feel your emotions, and determine how you want to move forward.

To do that, Eborn said to lean on your inner circle and a mental health professional, if you can, when you notice feelings of guilt or panic over the situation.

Once you're ready, reflecting on your dynamic with Lanie could help you in future relationships, said Eborn. She suggested you ask yourself, "What did I learn?" and "How did I feel in that?" to get a better idea of the partner you're searching for.

"We are allowed to take care of ourselves and find and have relationships that feel in alignment for us," Eborn said.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

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