- When I was in a creative slump, I decided to try microdosing psilocybin.
- I started to microdose when having sex with my partner, and sex became so intense and creative.
As a writer in my mid-30s, I spend a lot of time catastrophizing about things in my head. I'm often thinking about my finances, the ups and downs of my creative neuroticism, and the confines of gender.
But last year put me into a real funk. Overdue stress from those COVID-19 lockdowns pushed me into a creative slump. I was unmotivated. I stopped singing in the kitchen and dressing up for the weekends. I felt disconnected from my work, my identity, my playfulness, and — worst of all — my partner.
I needed to do something. I needed the broken record to stop, so I turned to psychedelics. Turns out, microdosing not only helped me tap into my creativity but also jump-started my sex life. Most importantly, it helped me express my gender in a whole new way.
Psychedelics had been on my radar for some time, and I'd considered using them as a tool to work on my mental health in the past
To be honest, the thought of using psychedelics scared me. Was I going to cook my brains? Was I going to become a crazy hippie dropout overnight?
But in January, the stars aligned. Oregon had just passed a law legalizing the use of psilocybin. After some digital digging and a few more dark nights of the soul, I decided to test the waters with what the cool kids call "microdosing." A standard microdose is about one-third of a gram — way below the amount needed to achieve that classic trippy effect. But don't let the "micro" label fool you; even small doses can pack a punch.
With trepidation, I called some well-connected artsy friends in Portland who hooked me up with a supply of psilocybin pills.
I microdosed most days of the week
When I started using psychedelics, I didn't see any dramatic results right away. It was more of an almost unnoticeable thing.
After a week, though, something clicked. I began to wake up. My senses became attuned to the simple beauty all around me: the droplets of rain on the widow and the gentle sway of the leaves at dusk.
After two weeks, my notepads were brimming with fresh inspiration and creativity. I was present and connected to everything about me.
I then started microdosing while having sex with my partner
When my partner and I microdosed and had sex, we kissed more, a lot more — for hours, even. After almost five years together, we were like teenagers going at it for the first time.
We had fun syncing our doses so that we got high at the same time to optimally coincide with our play. It was the pinnacle of our day.
Our sex was more intense than ever before. I took my time, mindfully connecting through intuitive sensation. There was a flow in our dynamic. The psilocybin acted like a sexy copilot, or as an alien inviting me to try new things.
Through our amazing sex, I realized I liked expressing my gender in new ways
It started with dressing up for my partner. I went through her makeup bag before she got home from work. She'd come home and see me dressed up as a sexy pirate, a vampire, or a whole cast of playful characters — all ready to play with her in various diabolical ways.
I spent time experimenting with foundation. I applied eyeshadow and eyeliner. It was sensual, ridiculous, and delicious.
When I broke into her lipstick one day, I arrived. That day, I met her by the door in full drag. She loved it, so did I.
After that, it became my daily ritual. Something big had shifted inside of me.
While I started microdosing to get my creativity back, I found a side of myself that I didn't know was there
Microdosing psilocybin opened a new world for me. I realized my gender expression wasn't rigid. It could ebb and flow naturally.
I haven't felt the need to change my pronouns, but I can't say my identity is the same as before — or will ever be again. Having the ability to shape-shift feels right to me now. I love embracing my femininity.
Psychedelics opened a door that can't be closed. They've allowed me to harmonize the disparate aspects of my internal worlds. With every dose I take, I connect further with a deeper self. It's cosmic, expansive, enlightening, and downright fabulous.