- I have a chronic skin condition called hidradenitis suppurativa that returned in my early 20s.
- At the same time in my life, I began to question and explore my sexuality.
I've always found a lot of comfort in the darkness during sex. There's a sort of anonymity in it, where you're still in your body but you can't really see yourself or think about how you look — and neither can your partner.
The darkness makes it easier to forget I have a chronic skin condition called hidradenitis suppurativa, or HS for short. It's characterized by nodules and abscesses that, unfortunately, love to develop on the most vulnerable parts of my body. Because of this, I've lived in paralyzing fear that a new sexual partner would mistake these cursed bumps for an STD.
But I didn't have to worry about this scenario until later in life, because I didn't have sex for the first time until I was 25. In the years leading up to this, I instead got to worry about another of life's curveballs: realizing I wasn't straight.
By the time I started identifying as a lesbian in my early 20s, my "bumpies" from my teenage years — my HS — had returned, creating the perfect storm of insecurity: I had to learn how to navigate a new sexual world that heteronormative rom-coms didn't prepare me for, while also possessing an unsightly skin condition.
The bumps in the road early in my sexual journey
For a while I refused to talk about my HS or my virginity. I held on to these truths like they were shameful secrets, which only made me feel more self-conscious about them.
But the more I dated, the more comfortable I became in my sexuality. When I started having sex, the darkness offered a temporary escape from the anxiety surrounding my HS. I could pretend my bumps weren't there, and as far as I knew, my partners couldn't tell either.
But as my flare-ups got worse, it got harder to hide because of the pain I'd feel if an accidental touch grazed a nodule on my skin the wrong way. By this time in my life, I had just begun dating my now fiancée. Fortunately, talking to her about my HS has been incredibly healing.
How I talk about and manage HS with my partner
Our inaugural conversation about my HS wasn't some dramatic, drawn-out affair. We were making out, about to have sex, and I broke away momentarily to state the facts as plainly and concisely as possible: "So, before we do this, you should know I have bumps down there. I don't have an STD; it's just this condition I've always had. I'm happy to share more details now, or after if you'd like?" In response, she pulled me in for another kiss.
In subsequent conversations, we've discussed how HS manifests on my body and what I do to treat it. She's aware that some days my flare-ups make certain sexual positions hard or even inaccessible, which is important context she wouldn't have if I hadn't started a dialogue early on. If anything, opening up about my HS has brought us closer together, as she understands my body much more intimately now. And let me be clear: HS is not contagious, and any prospective partner who won't take the time to understand this isn't worth your time.
Consent is important for everyone in sexual and nonsexual situations, but it's especially useful for a person with HS. For example, if I have a painful abscess on one side of my vulva, I may need my partner to pause, stop, or try something on a different part of my body to accommodate, and open lines of communication make that possible.
I'm also vigilant about aftercare to manage my HS. Shortly after having sex, I hop in the shower and gently clean and dry off the areas under my breasts and around my inner thighs, groin, and buttocks, as I've found that lingering sweat or fluids on my skin can lead to a flare-up later. I used to be worried that this cleansing ritual would kill the mood, but my partner always encourages me to take care of my "bumpies'' when we're done, and there's nothing sexier than a supportive partner who cares about you taking care of your body.
It's easy to look back and wish I had felt more comfortable talking about my HS when I was younger. But I'm so glad I've finally found a light in the darkness that used to cloak me in shame, and that's worth celebrating.
Alli Guerra is a writer and the Associate Director of Content at Insider Studios, the branded content arm of Insider. You can learn more about her and examples of her work at alliguerra.com