- John Kim is the host of "The Angry Therapist" podcast.
- He and his partner, Vanessa Bennett, say their therapy backgrounds impacted their relationship.
Vanessa Bennett never thought she wanted kids. Her partner, John Kim, thought that he was too old to become a dad. But when the couple unintentionally conceived on birth control and then miscarried, Kim was crushed and Bennett was raging.
But through those emotions, the couple — both of whom are licensed marriage-and-family therapists — realized that they wanted to raise a child together. Their daughter is now 2-and-½ years old, and she's rocked everything they thought they knew about parenting, relationships, and each other.
"Holy shit, parenting is hard," Kim said. "As a relationship coach and therapist, I've been blown away by how parenting can knock the legs out of any relationship, no matter how good it is."
Making space for anger in parenting
There's a lot of anger in Kim and Bennett's relationship, especially since their daughter was born.
"I used to be angry because I was miserable," Kim said. "Now, with parenting, there's anger and frustration every day, whether toward my daughter, myself, or Vanessa."
Kids are constantly challenging and annoying their parents in ways that are hard to imagine before you're a mom or dad, Bennett said. That can be particularly hard for mothers to talk about.
"Anger is one of those emotions, for women, that we're told is not OK and not acceptable," she said.
She's taken to expressing her anger and reminding Kim that he needs to allow her space to be mad instead of rushing to fix it. Anger is almost always a secondary emotion, covering up sadness, fear, or hurt. Sitting with anger can allow you to label what's really going on.
Personal growth can lead to anger too
In their new book, "It's Not Me, It's You: Break the Blame Cycle. Relationship Better," the pair talks about their personal relationship and the common pitfalls that couples fall into. It's one thing to know those intellectually, and another to see them play out in your own life, they said.
Take, for example, the division of household-and-parenting labor. Kim, 49, readily admits that as a man raised in the 1980s by traditional Korean parents, he saw the house and children as the woman's job.
"I'm trying to shed that," he said. "Some of the anger comes from shedding."
Bennett is working on shedding her lifelong codependence, which she sees everywhere in our society.
"We're taught from day one that love is codependent. But we're autonomous human beings, not beholden to one another," she said. "I don't owe him anything, and vice versa."
Changing the tune on scheduled sex
One place that comes to a head is the couple's sex life. Kim misses the flirty, spontaneous sex life they had before they were parents. He wants more sex. Bennett often feels touched-out at the end of the day as the primary caregiver to their daughter, but also sometimes feels pressure to bend to what Kim wants.
So, when anger rears its head, they try to move beyond it and respect each other's feelings.
"This is what love looks like," Kim said. "I don't have to feel rejected. I'm depersonalizing it."
Instead, they've turned to scheduled sex, something Kim says he always looked down on.
"I've become humbled and realized how hard parenting is," he said. "I understand now, I'm not just talking and helping clients, but I'm in their shoes."
John Kim is the host of "The Angry Therapist" podcast. Vanessa Bennett is the co-host of "Cheaper than Therapy." Together, they co-host the podcast series "It's Not Me, It's You."