What it will take for Trump to concede, according to a psychologist

• A month and a half after the 2020 Presidential election was called in Joe Biden's favor, President Trump has yet to concede.
• A psychologist told Insider people with traits of narcissism, displayed by Trump, make admitting defeat feel like "an existential death" that's intolerable.
• To concede a loss, a narcissist's close comrades would need to make the shame of not conceding worse than the shame of losing. In Trump's case, that means his allies and right wing media.
• If and when he does recognize his loss, Trump will frame it as a win, the psychologist predicted.

The votes have been counted, accusations of a fraudulent election have been proven baseless, and Republicans are increasingly encouraging President Donald Trump to accept defeat and move on.

And yet, a month and a half after Joe Biden was called the winner of the 2020 presidential election, Trump has yet to concede.

But while that's unprecedented, it's not uncharacteristic. In fact, it's exactly what clinical psychologist Ramini Durvasula expected, given the president's personality type, which mental-health experts have long identified as textbook narcissism.

Durvasula, a narcissism expert, talked to Insider about what would need to happen, from a psychological perspective, for Trump to accept defeat - something he doesn't have to do before being removed from office. "He will step down at some point," Durvasula said, speaking to Insider in November, "but it won't be because of logical reasons."

Despite all the pressure from media and politicians, it won't be until his own camp - right wing commentators and his own advisors - call on him to concede that he will, Durvasula said.

In the final week of 2020, it seems that might be on the horizon. The New York Post today called on Trump to "stop the insanity" and concede, former aide Omarosa Manigault Newman said she believes Trump is experiencing a "psychotic episode," and Fox News' Geraldo Rivera said Trump is acting like an "entitled frat boy."

Admitting defeat goes against what makes a narcissist a narcissist

Among various behavioral patterns, narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by an exaggerated sense of importance; an expectation to be recognized as superior regardless of achievements; and preoccupation with fantasies about success, power, and brilliance.

In other words, accepting failure goes against every grain of a narcissist's body and mind. It's like telling someone with depression to just "cheer up."

"To [Trump,] losing is a literally an existential death," Durvasula said. "Nobody likes to lose, but for him it's like the air is getting sucked out of his lungs. He cannot tolerate it."

For partners of people with narcissistic personality disorder, this must-win attitude can play out in day-to-day squabbles. "You'd think your marital argument is like an argument in front of the Supreme Court," said Durvasula, who works with such couples and wrote the 2019 book, "Don't You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility."

Narcissists, she added, "are willing to break someone's heart to win."

Trump's close comrades need to validate him to ease the blow

Showing Trump facts doesn't work. Letting him control the narrative does.

But while in the past he's been able to spin negative story lines to appease himself and his supporters - saying, for instance, that his history of bankruptcy is really an indication of his brilliant business chops - "in a zero-sum game like an election, you win or you lose," Durvasula said. "That's a lot harder for him."

Still, he'll find a way, especially if his close comrades remind him of his wins, like that more than 70 million Americans are on his side, and reframe the outcome into other wins, like saying he can use the four years to watch Biden fail and prepare for an epic comeback in 2024, Durvasula said.

She likened these hypothetical conversations to soothing a child who's lost a soccer game: "Hey sweetie, you've got another chance."

Though it wouldn't be good for democracy, validating Trump's false belief that the election was fraudulent would help him back down too. "All the people who've always been out to get you may have won this battle," Durvasula said she imagines the people he trusts telling him, "but they're not going to win the war."

The shame of appearing to be a sore loser would have to outweigh the shame of losing

Trump won't concede because he lost, or because it's the right thing for democracy, the country, and the world, Durvasula said. He won't even concede because politicians close to him will benefit from being released to pursue their own careers in a post-Trump-presidency world.

Nor will he concede out of concern for his legacy, even though his Republican (and other) predecessors have shown that graceful departures are lauded for decades, even centuries, to come.

"Not only does he not understand his own motivations," Durvasula said, "he doesn't understand the ramifications of his behavior."

Trump, then, will only concede if and when the shame of losing is outweighed by the shame of other people - that is, other people he trusts, not the "fake news" - mocking him for not accepting his fate, Durvasula predicts.

"It becomes a sort of balancing act: He can't look bad through losing, but at some point there will be an inflection or tipping point whereby it will look more bad if he doesn't step away," she said.

That tipping point may be coming as Omarosa, Rivera, and the Post put pressure on the 45th president to concede.

How Trump can spin his loss to sound like a win

Working with people who display similar personality traits to the president, Durvasula says she expects him to build a "winner" narrative around his concession.

"He will likely thumb his nose at it all and say he's glad he doesn't have to waste more time trying to appeal to the 'deep state' or 'fake news' or the 'weak liberals' or whatever insult du jour he comes up with, and that he made the nation great and it will be sad to see it not be great," she said.

"And then, he will quickly build another structure in his life to ensure the validation supply is steady - whatever that looks like."

• Read more:
• The 3 main personality traits of cult leaders, according to a cult-recovery therapist
• People with narcissistic traits are more likely to ignore pandemic safety guidelines, such as hand-washing and staying home
• Narcissists may be bad friends and partners, but they're likely happier than you
• Narcissists use a subtle conversation tactic to make everything about them, and you may not notice it until its driving you crazy