We had our wedding earlier than planned and got married in my dad's hospice room. He died 3 days later.
- Nancy Murphy thought that her dying father would hold out until her wedding day.
- She was in denial that he might not make it, despite him taking a turn for the worse.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Nancy Murphy. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I think I was in denial that my dad, Philip Murphy, might not live to see my wedding, which was originally planned for the end of October.
He had a horrible disease called progressive supranuclear palsy, which is similar to Parkinson's. You don't so much shake but become slowly paralyzed.
Dad was diagnosed about seven years ago. The illness' cause is unknown. As it progressed, we couldn't tell whether he had all his mental faculties. He couldn't move his mouth or tongue to articulate words.
But I think he probably understood more than we gave him credit for.
I'm a horse-show judge, and horses are my life. And, partly because of my busy career, I never really wanted a husband. Mom, who died from bladder cancer in 2021, always worried about me not being married, as mothers do.
I was incredibly surprised when my boyfriend proposed to me
I never imagined that I would marry. I'd been dating my boyfriend, Mic Grant, a 57-year-old carpenter, for six years. But it wasn't on the agenda. So I was incredibly surprised when Mic proposed on my 53rd birthday in February.
"Yes," I said. We started planning our wedding and wanted to fast-track things with my father in mind. But I was busy working during the summer. It was also difficult to secure a venue in a matter of months.
We managed to find a place for October 29.
Unfortunately, Dad was deteriorating fast. He lost the muscles that allowed him to swallow. He was coughing a lot and getting tired. But he still had the use of his arms.
We started hospice care at his assisted-living facility in September. My two sisters and I realized that it wasn't going to be much longer before he passed. By then, the wasting of muscle was affecting his lungs. He was on morphine to help him relax.
But something made me feel that he would hold out. I suppose I thought the anticipation of my unexpected wedding would carry him through.
It was so sad for me to think Dad might not be at my wedding
He had around-the-clock care from nurses employed by NVNA and Hospice. Lori Green, one of the registered nurses, took me aside on October 4.
"You might want to consider bringing your ceremony forward," she said. "You could do it here."
I wish I'd thought of it myself. It was so sad for me to even think about my dad not being at my wedding.
Lori said that Dad's goal was to watch me get married. He hadn't been able to voice it, but Lori's instincts told her it would put him at peace.
I called Mic. "You need to take tomorrow off from work," I said. It was the first he'd heard about me deciding to move up the wedding. already had a white dress. It was a light dress with no sleeves that I'd planned to wear at our wedding reception.
On October 5, when Mic and I walked into my dad's room, we were amazed. Dad was up and dressed. He wore a tie and his shiny black shoes that he was always so proud of. He was sitting up straight and looked better than he had in months.
Mic and I exchanged our vows in front of Dad. It became the most magical day of my life. The chaplain, Rachel Reid, had written a script. She'd told me there was a point where she would turn to my dad. "I'll ask him, 'Do you bless this union?'" she said.
I cried because it was such a moving moment
I explained that my Dad couldn't speak and was unable to say yes. But Rachel had a solution. "I will ask him to give a thumbs-up," she said.
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