We can't ignore our parents getting older. Here's how to have 'the talk' with them about aging and senior care.

• Talking to your parents about them getting old can be sometimes awkward.
• Research shows that most people will depend on family members for help and care as they age.

Earlier this year at a medical conference, I watched a doctor pace outside a conference room while his colleagues, all national experts in the care of older adults, sat listening to presentations on the latest research in the care of older people with dementia. The physician would eventually be overheard on his cellphone, saying, "It's hard to believe the hardest patient I have ever had is my dad."

His father, a man in his 80s, had recently developed a number of health issues which left him going in and out of the hospital. For this doctor, it was a struggle, balancing and even understanding what his father wanted, while managing medications, specialist appointments, emergency room trips, and ensuring his mother had the support she needed at home. He assumed his father wanted to stay at home as long as possible — though he had never actually asked him — but it was getting harder by the day to make that happen.

We can't ignore the fact that our parents are getting older (even though we try)

Even for those of us who have difficult conversations with patients on a regular basis — as I do as a nurse practitioner caring for older adults — when it comes to our own parents, talking about getting older and preparing ourselves for the responsibilities caregiving may eventually bring and executing them, feels like it is above our pay grade.

Even as adults, children benefit from positive interactions with their parents. Yet, we find ourselves in a tight spot: we want to respect our parents' autonomy while also doing what we feel is best to help them. Talking about getting older also reminds people of their mortality and might make our parents feel as if they are being written off.

Caring for our parents is hard, and we need to be prepared

While getting older is inevitable, most of us bury our heads in the sand, pretend it isn't going to happen, and hope it will all just work out in the end. Yet, one in three older Americans will experience a disability in their last year of life that will make them unable to perform basic daily activities independently.

Roughly 80% of the help and care they need will be provided by spouses and adult children. Nearly 70% of those unpaid spouses and adult children are women — a large share of whom also have children under 18 living with them.

Making 'the talk' with our parents less awkward: less talking, more listening

Open and frank discussions with our parents — preferably before a period of crisis — can reduce stress and uncertainty. In fact, research has shown that planning for older age with your parents can help reduce conflict within families and ease pressure later when making decisions about their care.

There are ways to make the conversation easier. First off, planning for the needs of old age before they become necessary does not have to take the form of a single awkward family dinner. Frequent and informal conversations that cover topics like emotions, preferences, finances, and expectations are important and should be approached with curiosity.

Conversations should be non-judgmental listening sessions. Questions might include: Where do you want to age? At home? In an adult child's home? What options are you willing to explore if you need additional support? A home health aide? An adult day program? What financial plans are there if you become ill? Is there someone who has been appointed to make healthcare decisions?

Finally, if the conversation is difficult or your relationship with your parent(s) is challenged by other issues, remember you don't have to do this alone. Consider inviting a care manager or knowledgeable, objective person in your life to help facilitate the discussion.

Advanced care planning does not mean it's the end of life; it is actually a form of empowerment. It allows us to honor and respect our parents' values and treatment preferences, and ensures that we have the support needed as potential caregivers.