- Ultimatums happen when a partner threatens to end the
relationship , or issues another consequence, if the other doesn't change a certain behavior or attitude. - A person may feel desperate after having boundaries crossed or needs unmet, so they give
the ultimatum , a psychologist said.
Netflix's new reality show "The Ultimatum" illustrates what can happen when someone uses all-or-nothing demands to get their way in a relationship.
Season 1, which ended in April, followed six couples, each comprised of a partner who wanted marriage and a partner who was unsure. After presenting their ultimatums, the couples split up to date other people's partners for "trial marriages."
Throughout the season, arguments over trust and loyalty ignited as partners considered their counterparts' deal breakers while
Ultimatums were a requirement for participants in the reality show, but in real life they can make a partner feel threatened and distrustful of the ultimatum giver, or like their needs are being devalued, Beth Pausic, a psychologist and Director of Behavioral
"An ultimatum is not only a method of trying to get what someone wants from a partner, but also shows that they want to maintain their relationship. In very simple terms, if you aren't getting a need or want met by your partner, you can break up," Pausic told Insider.
Ultimatums suggest a partner wants the relationship to work, but in a different way then it currently is. Still, ultimatums aren't usually productive or healthy, said Pausic.
When someone gives an ultimatum, it's a sign they feel desperate
Partners typically present ultimatums when they feel a sense of desperation in their relationships, Pausic said.
This approach can damage a relationship because it leaves the person given the ultimatum limited options. In turn, they may feel resentful or grow to distrust the ultimatum giver, according to Pausic.
If, for example, one partner really wants children in the next two years, but their partner wants to wait, they could have lots of conversations on the topic, but always reach an impasse. The person who wants a child soon might resort to an ultimatum when they feel there's no other way to get what they want, said Pausic.
Ultimatums typically occur around values-based topics, like family-planning, living arrangements, and marriage. Since people are less likely to budge on their values, an ultimatum can have major consequences, according to Pausic.
She said lower-stakes ultimatums, where a partner asks for a behavior change and the consequence doesn't involve ending the relationship, could work for some couples. Ultimately, ultimatums can help partners identify their relationship deal breakers and avoid them in the future.
"If the ultimatum is reasonable and something that you really want in your relationship and your partner can't provide that, then it gives you the opportunity to find someone who is more aligned with your values and life goals," Pausic said.
Instead of giving an ultimatum, come to terms with incompatibilities and set boundaries
Though giving an ultimatum may seem like the most straightforward way to assert what you want, it's healthier to focus on your own behaviors and how you communicate with your partner, said Pausic.
She suggested having honest, clear, and consistent talks with your partner about your relationship expectations.
"You need to be honest with yourself and them about how much of a priority the need or want is for you and whether it means the relationship can't move forward if it isn't met," Pausic said.
She also said setting boundaries, or self-limits to protect your mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing, is a healthier and more empowering alternative to an ultimatum.
That means following through on leaving a relationship when a partner can't meet your needs or align with your values, despite efforts to get there, she said.