- My husband and I have a big family, and our relatives live in Chicago and Indiana.
- During our first few married years, we traveled all over to be with loved ones on the holidays.
In late December 2012, my husband and I had a beautiful winter wedding filled with poinsettias, candles, and just the right amount of snow. Christmas came a few days after the festivities, and we couldn't wait to celebrate as a newlywed couple. Little did we know that holiday plans would become a source of tension in our relationship as we planned to combine my family of seven with his family of five.
We tried to please everyone by doing it all
Our first holiday as a married couple was Christmas, and we tried to do it all. For us, this meant Christmas Eve with my family in Chicago followed by a full day of Christmas festivities in Indiana.
We attended every gathering, cooked fancy side dishes, made homemade candy, shopped for every family member, lovingly wrapped gifts, and celebrated the holidays to the fullest. It was lovely, albeit exhausting. But we felt content knowing we hadn't left a single box unchecked.
When Easter Sunday came around and both of our families wanted to spend the day with us, we had a choice to make. When we were engaged, he spent holidays with his family and I'd spend them with mine. But now, we had to decide as a unit. We would be spending the day together, and we had to pick where to go and what to do.
Our solution seemed simple enough, at first. We thought of a compromise and decided to spend Easter in one city, and Thanksgiving — the next big family-centered holiday — in the other. But, of course, nothing is as simple as it seems.
We quickly learned that pleasing everyone was impossible
My husband and I had thought our plan was reasonable, but we learned very quickly that our definition of "reasonable" was not universally accepted.
We had decided that we'd spend Easter at his parents' house that year; then, we would go to my family's home for Thanksgiving. But my family didn't want us to miss their annual Easter-egg hunt in Illinois. Likewise, his family was sad that we would miss out-of-town relatives gathering for his uncle Ernie's famous deep-fried turkey. So we decided, once again, to go to every holiday we were invited to, no matter how much it cost our sanity or how much driving back and forth it meant.
We somehow managed to see everyone, even though our families were far apart. By the end of the day, on each of these holidays, we were exhausted. Still, we continued to try and make everyone happy by following this routine of "doing it all," no matter the cost to our sanity — or to our relationship.
Instead of bringing us closer, this decision drove a wedge between us
Every year, the tension was palpable in the months leading up to the holiday season. Previously, my husband and I had never had to worry about disappointing our families during the holidays. Now, the season had become stressful; a problem that needed attention. Instead of allowing these decisions to strengthen our bond, the frequency of our bickering began to increase.
Our first child was born in January 2015, and our second came 16 months later. Even though I was still adjusting to motherhood, my husband simply couldn't understand why a cross-state trip for every holiday was suddenly such an issue. Meanwhile, I didn't understand why continuing to push ourselves to the point of exhaustion was necessary. He didn't want to disappoint his family, but I didn't want to ruin our holidays with chaos.
For six years, we continued driving back and forth between states to celebrate every major holiday, which satisfied my husband's sense of obligation but exhausted myself and the kids. And whenever we expressed our exhaustion, my husband felt bad, even though he was doing his best to satisfy both families' wishes.
A particularly challenging Christmas helped us reorder our priorities
Winter 2018 was a turning point. It was Christmas once again, and I was pregnant with our third child. Rather than reopen the holiday debate for the umpteenth time, we decided to stick with the status quo of visiting both family homes within 24 hours — even though I was only six weeks away from my third C-section.
After a Christmas Eve filled with food, gifts, and a late bedtime, we awoke on Christmas morning and began our hour-and-a-half journey out of state. Because I was so close to my due date, I was feeling particularly exhausted. When I began spotting and contracting after dinner, I decided that my body had simply had enough. We cut our holiday short and drove home to our hospital in Illinois.
Thankfully both the baby and I were safe, but it was time for a long chat. My husband and I decided it was time to reorder our priorities and make hard choices to put our mental and physical needs first. Simply put, we could no longer do it all, and it was time that we stopped trying to.
After over a decade, we've finally developed a set of rules that works for us
Since that Christmas, my husband and I have worked hard to establish rules and boundaries for holiday celebrations. We set expectations according to our current season of life; we offer to help when needed, but we don't overpromise. We do our best to please both families, but we focus on our own family first.
We ask questions about how one another is feeling, both mentally and physically, and we listen to the answers. But most importantly, we operate as a team.
That's the best holiday gift of all.