- Toxic perfectionism took the joy from my art and got in the way of my dream career as an animator.
- I didn't want to fail or disappoint anyone, so I had to make my art perfect — an impossible goal.
Do you often feel like you'll never be good enough, no matter how hard you try? Maybe you hesitate to try new hobbies because you worry you won't succeed immediately, or your impossibly high standards suck all the joy out of your work.
If any of that sounds familiar, you might struggle with perfectionism.
I'm well familiar with a perfectionist mindset. Before I started my career as a freelance writer, I was an artist who wanted to work on cartoons and movies. But my intense perfectionism sabotaged my best efforts to succeed.
In a nutshell, perfectionism means you tend to demand an extremely high — if not flawless — performance from yourself or other people. This mindset can become toxic when those standards cause more harm than good.
Perfectionism comes in a few different subtypes:
- Self-oriented perfectionism: When you direct your perfectionist thoughts and standards inward.
- Other-oriented perfectionism: When you direct your standards towards others instead of yourself — and criticize or judge them when they fall short.
- Socially prescribed perfectionism: When you feel the need to perform for others and meet extremely high standards because you feel like they expect nothing less
Here are four major ways perfectionism showed up in my life — and how time and a change in mindset helped me learn to manage my self-critical thoughts.
1. I hated to fail and fixated on my mistakes
Personally, I was never happy with my art, and no amount of praise from family, friends, or instructors ever satisfied me. All I could see were my mistakes — where my inner voice said I'd failed.
"The perfectionistic voice tells you that every detail matters, and if you miss one detail, it will ruin the big picture," says Jessica Borelli, professor of psychological science at the University of California, Irvine, and Clinical Director of Compass Therapy.
According to Borelli, higher levels of perfectionism can have a major impact on your daily life. You may focus on the negatives of your performance while discounting all the positives, or punish yourself if you deliver an "average" performance instead of a flawless one.
For example, you might write a short story that gets published in a magazine. But instead of celebrating your accomplishment, you get upset over the typos in your final draft.
Ultimately, perfectionism can keep you from enjoying your usual activities or work, not to mention starting them in the first place, unless you know you're the best in the room.
2. I procrastinated and struggled to finish projects
The more I focused on perfection, the more I procrastinated.
All my sketchbooks were full of crossed-out drawings and torn-out pages. As soon as I noticed a mistake, I'd abandon a drawing. Why finish it at all, if I couldn't make it perfect?
According to Borelli, perfectionism can also manifest in overthinking and overplanning. You might:
- Plan for hours and hours to make a project "perfect" instead of actually starting it
- Get stuck on a project partway
- Procrastinate or avoid new projects altogether
This held true for me, too. I always overwhelmed myself during the planning stage by thinking of all the tiny details I needed to finish.
3. I constantly compared myself to other people
If I felt decent about myself or a drawing I'd done recently, a quick scroll through Instagram or Twitter could undo it in a snap.
When my artwork didn't stack up against the countless industry pros I looked up to — or even against art students younger than me — I felt intense pressure to up my game and be "perfect." When I couldn't succeed, guilt, shame, and self-loathing set in.
This remains one of my biggest struggles, even now. I continue to avoid Instagram to this day because I'm too prone to the comparison trap.
Many perfectionistic people — especially those with socially prescribed perfectionism — have a similar tendency to compare themselves to others, Borelli says.
4. I couldn't say 'no'
Perfection isn't just about getting an A+ on every assignment, says David Tzall, a psychologist in private practice who often helps clients with perfectionism.
If you struggle with socially prescribed perfectionism, for instance, you may not want to fall short of what you think other people expect from you. So, you may end up saying "yes" to everything, only to feel devastated when you can't keep up.
I remember one instance when I had an out-of-state family gathering the day before an art assignment was due. I couldn't cancel on my family and risk disappointing them — or worse, admit I had an issue with procrastination and hadn't even started my project.
So, I hid my stress behind a smile and sacrificed my sleep schedule to do both.
What causes perfectionism?
Perfectionism is an insidious way of trying to meet your needs. Even if you think you're trying to achieve perfection for the benefit of others, it all relates back to your needs, Tzall says.
Factors that contribute to perfectionistic tendencies include:
- Unrealistic expectations from your parents, teachers, or caregivers
- Fear of failure
- Fear of disappointing others
- The need for others to like you
My perfectionism came from a terrifying fear of failure and disappointing other people.
The animation industry is extremely competitive. Only the best artists get job offers from bigger studios, like Disney or Dreamworks — and nearly 77% of animation artists are male, while another 70% hold a bachelor's degree from an art school.
As a girl from a small town who couldn't afford to attend a private art school, none of the odds were in my favor. However, my parents supported my dream and helped me take online art classes.
My parents never pressured me, but in my mind, my work needed to be perfect — not only to succeed for myself but to avoid wasting my parents' money.
But no matter where your perfectionism originates, it can take a mental toll.
Researchers have linked perfectionistic tendencies to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and thoughts of suicide.
Important: If you're having thoughts of suicide, help is available right now. You can get free, confidential support from compassionate crisis counselors by calling 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or texting "HOME" to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.
When I had nothing "amazing" — or even finished — to show for all my work, I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Depression swallowed me up, and I withdrew and tried to hide from the world. After years of my mental health getting worse and worse, I realized I had to make a change: I couldn't make a career out of art if I cried every time I flipped through my sketchbook.
Perfectionism turned my dream toxic, so I had to take a step back.
I put the art skills I'd learned to work in the field of graphic design — which helped me discover copywriting. With writing, I found I could express myself without the same perfectionistic thoughts and tendencies bogging me down. In 2020, I dove into freelance writing as a full-time career and started living my newer, better dream.
Taking a step back from art also took the pressure away, and I learned to enjoy it again as a perfection-free hobby.
How to overcome perfectionistic tendencies
Before you can address perfectionism, you need to figure out the factors that trigger you, Borelli says.
For example, do your perfectionistic thoughts kick in when someone criticizes your work, or when you see someone else succeeding at one of your hobbies?
My biggest trigger? Social media. Seeing page upon page of beautiful artwork didn't inspire me. It only made me feel bad about my own efforts. Once I recognized its effect on my mental health, I deleted my Instagram and Twitter profiles.
Stepping back from social media did wonders for my self-esteem, and I have no intention of returning.
Of course, you may not need such extreme measures if social media doesn't trigger you as strongly. You might find it helpful to simply set a screen time limit for apps like Facebook, or unfollow specific accounts if you find yourself hopping on the comparison train every time they post.
Other specific coping methods to manage perfectionistic thoughts include:
- Talking back to your inner voice: It's important to identify your negative inner voice and send it to the hills if you can, Borelli says. For example, if your negative voice calls you a failure for getting a B instead of an A on a paper, you can remind yourself a B is still pretty great. Plus, you studied hard all semester — and that's something to be proud of.
- Refocusing your values: Another strategy involves zooming in on your values. For example, does it matter more if your painting gets thousands of likes on social media — or if you found it relaxing to make? "Centering yourself in your values can help you ground yourself in what really matters — it's like refocusing a camera lens," Borelli says.
- Eliminating black-and-white thinking: "Perfectionism is a rigid attitude: There is either perfect or not perfect," Tzall says. So, it can help to learn to look at your projects in shades of gray. For example, your pie crust may be a little burnt and crispy around the edges, but the filling could still taste delicious.
- Giving yourself space to rest: If you can't seem to shake your negative thoughts while working on a project, it might help to take a step back and try again later. "Just having a mental break can help you see the world differently," Borelli says.
Note: A therapist can also help you learn to identify and reframe perfectionistic thoughts with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It's a good idea to reach out for professional support if perfectionism begins to disrupt your daily life, affect your relationships, and damage your performance at work or school.
Today, I strive for achievable goals instead of perfection
Experts continue to debate whether perfectionism is ever a good thing. After all, there's nothing inherently wrong with holding yourself to high standards — but how can you tell if your drive to succeed goes too far?
The key may lie in the words you use to define your high standards.
In 2018, researchers at the University of Ottawa coined the term "excellentism," which involves striving for high, but still achievable goals instead of an unattainable ideal like perfection. In a nutshell, this means you do your best and try to achieve "excellent" results — but you can cut yourself some slack if your work isn't flawless.
Today, I consider myself an "excellentist" rather than a perfectionist. I set achievable goals with deadlines and aim to do my best in the time I have. It's also become easier for me to break bigger projects down into manageable, bite-sized chunks.
Nothing I do will ever be perfect, since there's no such thing. But I can always improve over the last digital painting I made — just for fun.
I also like to remind myself that "finished is better than perfect." And if I start beating myself up, I can recognize the negative thoughts for what they are and take a step back from them.
If you have trouble recognizing unreasonable or too-strict standards, it may help to consider:
- Do your standards help you achieve your goals, or do they get in the way?
- Are your personal standards higher than those other people hold for you?
- Can you meet the standards you set for yourself? Do you get overly upset if you or someone else can't measure up?
- Would relaxing some of those rules or standards you set for yourself save you time or energy, or offer other benefits?
Insider's takeaway
Nobody's perfect. But when perfectionism invades your life, your mental health can take a hit. I know, because it happened to me.
Perfectionism left me focusing on the negatives, criticizing myself harshly, and struggling with comparison every time I checked my Instagram feed.
But it's absolutely possible to manage your perfectionistic thoughts by concentrating on the positives in your work, reminding yourself of your values, and learning to recognize impossible standards.
Ultimately, I didn't pursue a job in the animation industry. But that's OK because I did something better — I overcame my mental hurdles, regained my creative passions, and learned how to strive for excellence without letting perfectionism drag me down.