- Tara Well developed the idea of mirror meditation, a practice where people stare at themselves in the mirror for extended periods of time as a form of meditation.
- It is designed to encourage people to be kinder to themselves, and help with stress relief.
- Well typically charges $500 an hour for her services, which she often renders to actors, dancers, models and men in the tech industry.
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Every week, Tara Well logs into Zoom to watch her clients watch themselves in the mirror. It's supposed to improve the way they relate to themselves, and she charges $500 an hour for it.
It's part of a practice she developed called mirror meditation, which involves meditating by looking in a mirror to increase self-compassion and relieve stress.
Sometimes Well assigns her clients, who are often actors, dancers, models or men in the tech industry, to do more mirror work as homework, and sometimes her clients have to work up from looking at themselves for two minutes to 10 minutes to an hour.
The sessions involve a pre-screening, to make sure they are emotionally healthy enough for mirror work, because if they aren't, looking in the mirror could intensify feelings of self-hate. Well limits the sessions to 10 a week so she doesn't burn out.
She also does lab studies in mirror work, where she observes participants looking in the mirror for an extended period of time and watches the range of facial expressions that flit across their faces.
And, of course, she does workshops, often in corporate settings. The first workshop took place in the Sacred Shrine of the Rubin Museum of Art in New York City in 2016, where 60 people sat at a long table with 60 individual mirrors, watching themselves. Tickets for the event, priced at $30 a person, sold out quickly.
Mirror
Well found a sense of calm by staring at herself in a mirror — and her research showed it worked for other people, too
Well, an associate professor of psychology at Barnard College in New York City, says she was already unknowingly doing mirror work as a little girl looking at her reflection on the shiny chrome toaster on the table, making funny faces, feeling comfort and delight.
But as she got older, she began to scrutinize her face and compare herself to actors and models she saw on TV. She felt she didn't measure up.
Then, when she was in her 20s, she caught a glimpse of her face in the mirror and was shocked at how sad and distressed she looked, when she thought she felt fine.
In that moment, she says, she realized she'd lost touch with who she was on the inside, and started taking time to look at herself in the mirror, and assess her emotions, as a sort of meditation.
As a research scientist, Well wanted to understand what was soothing her about this extended glances into the mirror.
So she began to conduct experiments, calling people into her lab to watch their own reflections while she observed.
She says they often began the experiments anxious and self-conscious, but by the end of the sessions, their faces had softened, using mirror gazing as a way of getting in touch with their feelings.
She insists it's not narcissism, it's about learning to recognize your emotions
The theory behind the process is something Well has honed in her work over the past seven years.
"One of the things that we're socialized to do, particularly women, is to hide negative emotions," said Well. "We can become so good at hiding them that we hide them from ourselves, but our face oftentimes will them, particularly if we're looking in the mirror with the intent to be still and meditate."
Mirror therapy isn't just an exercise in narcissism; it relies on a combination of mindfulness, approaching with kindness, and being open to seeing oneself in a new way.
"Generally when we look in the mirror, we think about how we're aging or how we might look like a family member and then we remember all the stories of our family or we remember the time we were criticized because of our skin or hair," said Well, "so coming to the mirror just being in the present moment might help you see yourself in a new way."
It is crucial that when people look in the mirror they have kind intentions towards themselves. "We can say these cruel things to ourselves in our minds, that we wouldn't say to our dearest loved one," said Well. "It's about recognizing that and being openly aware and curious about what you're experiencing rather than critiquing."
How to do mirror therapy
Mirror therapy is only for those in a stable mental state, Well says. For people in a state of distress, looking at themselves in the mirror can get stuck in a negative feedback loop that magnifies their distressed feelings. They will feel upset, watch that emotion on their faces, and then feel more upset.
"It isn't something you should do if you're clinically depressed or have an anxiety disorder," said Well. "If you're seeing a therapist, you should also do it in the context of being with a therapist. And if you find it's intensifying how unkind you are to yourself, stop."
Mirror work should be done in a cool, well-lit room without distractions.
You should look at yourself, from an observer's perspective, and note what your first impressions are. Do some deep breathing and feel the physical sensations of your body as you look. Be aware of the critical voices and put them to the side. Be open to whatever your thoughts are.
"That's what I want people to do, just have 10 minutes a day of just being with yourself," said Well.
"No goals. You don't have to prove yourself, you don't have to get somewhere, you don't have to have this epiphany. Just take 10 minutes every day and just sit with yourself."
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