Science- Millie Boella and Nick Piperno are polyamorous partners of almost 13 years who created a "living" relationship contract in Google Docs.
- Their contract outlines how they fight, how they split finances, and how they vacation together.
When Millie Boella and Nick Piperno went on their fourth date to a bookstore, they picked up a book filled with 100 questions to ask your partner before marriage. As they spent the day together, they worked through each question, both hungry to know if they could build a lasting connection.
The couple never got married, but their answers were a great way to start planning what their polyamorous relationship should look like — to them. Now partners of 13 years, Boella and Piperno have a five-page contract outlining how they fight, how much time they spend together, and how they communicate on a day-to-day basis, among other relationship logistics unique to their desires and needs.
"We like to clarify everything so that there's no misunderstandings and everybody's aware and feels empowered to partake in relationship negotiation," Boella told Insider.
They also run Decolonizing Love, a social media-based initiative for educating people about polyamory, where they share advice and examples from their own relationship on TikTok and Instagram and offer peer counseling to others in polyamorous relationships.
Their relationship contract helps manage expectations in their multiple relationships, but the concept can also benefit those in a monogamous dynamic, where roles and the trajectory of the relationship are often assumed, leading to miscommunications or resentment. In many ways, a relationship contract can act as a precursor or more fleshed-out version of a prenuptial agreement.
Relationship contracts ensure that every partner gets a voice
Boella and Piperno told Insider that they created their first iteration using non-monogamy expert Tristan Taormino's book "Opening Up" during the second year of their relationship. In the book, Taormino explains how polyamorous partners can negotiate boundaries, cope with jealousy, and manage time when you have multiple lovers at once.
According to Boella, who has been polyamorous her entire life, it's important to never assume what someone needs in a polyamorous relationship because each connection is unique to the partners who are a part of it. And since they have an egalitarian polyamorous dynamic, where every partner and every partner's partner has agency in how their various dynamics work, a contract felt like the best way to iron out nitty gritty details.
With that in mind, Boella and Piperno created their constantly evolving relationship contract in Google Docs, they told Insider.
Boella said they viewed the contract as their relationship's "Bill of Rights," so they wanted to make sure they left no topic unturned. They said they were willing to outline things like healthcare, safe-sex policies, and how they vacation together.
When Piperno started a second relationship two years ago, he and Boella revisited their contract, adding clauses about home-related finances since Piperno started splitting his time between two homes. He also has a contract with his second partner, and Boella said she would work to make one with any other partners she dates in the future.
@decolonizinglove Replying to @user3020542259638 nothing much has changed in our dynamic. Nick and I have lived with other partners too before. #Polyamory #polyamorous #polytok #polytiktok #polyamoroustok #polyamoroustiktok #blackpoly #queerpoly #polypride #polyamor #relationshipgoals ♬ original sound - Decolonizing Love
Since creating the first contract, they decided to revisit it every three years, or as needed.
"Because we're humans, we change and we don't know how things are going to change. So this gives us quite a lot of stability and awareness of where we stand on things," Boella told Insider.