The secret sex lives of cosleeping parents
- Parents who cosleep say they still have a lot of sex — sometimes, up to five or six times a week.
- Experts say that's OK with infants, who won't be too affected by what they see.
Cosleeping was never part of the plan. I'd read the American Academy of Pediatrics' warnings that you should never sleep with a baby because of the increased risk of sudden infant death syndrome. So when my son came home from the hospital, we had a second room ready to go for him.
Concern for his safety wasn't the only reason. I didn't want a new baby making my sex life more complicated than I assumed it already would be.
But just two days after coming home from the hospital, I was up yet again doing my best to calm a screaming baby at 3 a.m. My husband called out, "Laura, just bring him into the bed."
So I did. And six months later, he's still there.
What's perhaps more surprising than my quick switch to bed-sharing is that it hasn't been the sex killer I assumed it would be. Frankly, my husband and I have a lot of sex, averaging at least five or six times a week — often more — despite sharing our bed with an infant.
Some amount of sex is to be expected, as evidenced by the fact that many families who cosleep end up having more than one child. And a 2021 review study published in Sexes indicated bed-sharing didn't have a significant negative effect on "family functioning," including sex between partners.
"It's very common for parents to have sex in the same room as their babies and younger children," said Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services in New York. "If they believe their children will remain asleep, they're not doing any harm. Ultimately, it's up to the parents to decide."
Some experts believe bed-sharing — and sex while bed-sharing — can be safe
While the AAP's position on bed-sharing is well-known, it's not shared by all clinicians or parents.
When safe sleep practices are followed — ensuring the infant is placed on their back on a firm, clean surface, with their head uncovered — bed-sharing can be protective from SIDS, rather than dangerous, said James McKenna, the director of the University of Notre Dame's Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory and a leading authority on mother-infant cosleeping in relation to breastfeeding and SIDS.
And while many people in the US have been conditioned to assume parents should never expose even very young children to sex, this line of thinking isn't based on science, McKenna said. (The AAP and other pediatric medical organizations have no stated opinion on having sex with a young child in the room.)
"I have never come across any credible evidence whatsoever that when referring to parents whose relationships with each other and with their children are psychologically healthy, harmful effects of having sex in close proximity have been documented," McKenna said.
"If, in some way, infants are psychologically or physically damaged by being in the room or context of their parents making love, which is, in fact, the context within which human infant sleep evolved, I think we humans would know it," McKenna added. "Parents would know it."
McKenna added that privacy is not an option for most parents around the world, who don't have the luxury of separate bedrooms.
"My ethnographic experience and knowledge from empirical anthropological studies tells me that parents mostly do figure out ways to make their lovemaking as discrete and private as is possible, while baby sleeps nearby," he said.
With an infant, there's not much to worry about
Exhaustion, physical changes, and just not "feeling it" are certainly all factors that may make sex harder after the arrival of a baby — not to mention that it's generally suggested (though not a hard-and-fast "rule") that women should wait four to six weeks after giving birth before engaging in penetrative sex. But cosleeping and bed-sharing aren't factors that slow all new parents down.
"Sex is pretty infrequent right now, with postpartum hormones and generally just being tired and touched out. It's hard to get in the mood," Breanna Root, who cosleeps with her 5-month-old, said.
But when it does feel doable, she and her partner keep the bed to themselves and move the baby to a safe spot to play.
"We usually set the baby up in his play area so we know he's safe, and we can have about 10 minutes for a quickie," she said. "Long gone are the days of slow foreplay. These days it's a much more frenzied and fast-paced experience, which, honestly, I haven't minded."
Having sex with your infant in bed with you or nearby — even within eyeshot — isn't going to do any damage, experts told Insider. Research indicates that adults' earliest memories typically take place between 2 and 3 years old; while infants can form memories, they usually don't have context for or knowledge of what they're seeing or hearing.
C. Roettges, a mother of three children under 5, coslept with each of her kids until they turned 1. She is blunt about her decision: "At one point, I almost had three babies under 3. It doesn't take a genius to figure out I was banging with kids around."
Roettges isn't actively trying to expose her kids to sexual activity, she said. But she wants to maintain her relationship with her husband in a way that works for everyone, even if it means putting the baby on the floor while they have sex.
She doesn't understand why people are so uptight about the issue.
"So you'll have sex while pregnant but not with your bodies covered near your kids?" she said. "You created these people and bathe them and shower with them and swim with them and eat their spit and let them chew on your boobs, but sex is off-limits in their proximity?"
How old is too old for sex in front of kids?
Once kids get a little older, the guidelines for what's "appropriate" get murkier.
"The age guidelines vary by parent and family, as not everyone shares the same views on sexual activity," Hafeez said.
The cognitive awareness of an individual child also plays a role.
Roettges said she felt comfortable continuing to have sex with her kids nearby until they were each about 3 years old (her youngest is just under 2). At that point, a combination of the children's light sleeping and greater awareness called for more planning.
"They wake up so much. You don't want to risk waking them," she said. "Our 3-year-old has busted in, but she doesn't get it. She's still so small that when we tell her we're cuddling, it makes sense to her."
McKenna recommended using "good, old-fashioned common sense" for knowing when a child is too old to be around sexual activity.
"This translates to respect for the sensitivities of a particular child's cognitive age and understanding, along with being willing to be creative and inventive as to knowing when (and where) it might be more comfortable (and appropriate) for all," he said.
He added that parents might want to make sexual encounters more private "when they have a sense that it might confuse or frighten their older infant or cognitively active child."
The choice of sex act matters, too. If what you're doing with your partner doesn't raise any concerns for how your child might react or respond if they woke up or were to see you, then you're likely OK. If it does, plan for how you will respond if your child does "catch you in the act," Hafeez said.
Roettges' explanation of "I'm cuddling with your dad," is a good option for a toddler, but she said it wouldn't work for her 5-year-old.
"She can't just lay on top of us anymore, so if she sees that, she's like, 'There is no way mom wants you to be on top of her — what is happening here?'" she said.
Beyond toddlerhood, it's time to set more boundaries and seek alternate sex spots
While exposure to sex and sexuality remains a parent's decision even as a child reaches preschool or school age, the increased cognitive awareness of older children is typically the point at which most cosleeping parents start drawing a line.
Witnessing parents having sex at this age has the potential to be scary for a child, especially if they think they're seeing something violent or aggressive.
"Even if they don't understand the concept of intercourse, if they witness it, it could appear to them as if one partner is attempting to physically harm the other," Hafeez said. By electing to leave a sleeping child in your bed to engage in sex in another location, you're reducing the risk of getting "caught in the act," Hafeez added.
Sarah Melancon, a sociologist and sexologist who is the sexuality and relationships expert for Sex Toy Collective, shares a bed with her 5- and 2-year-old sons. Once the kids are asleep, she and her husband retreat to a home office with a futon, where they "hang out, watching movies or YouTube videos."
"This often turns into sex, and we fold the futon down so we have more room," she said. "Our kids never get out of bed, so it's not an issue."
Melancon and her husband have also found windows to have sex while the kids are awake.
"Some mornings, I go upstairs to 'talk to daddy for a few minutes,' while the kids watch TV or play with their iPads," she said. "The 'sneaking around' aspect makes it fun, even though we only have five to 10 minutes."
Beth McCarter, a cosleeping parent of a 5- and a 3-year-old, said she had to get creative about locations for sex.
"I'm very careful that they don't see or hear anything inappropriate," she said. "That means day sex and shower sex are our bread and butter. But honestly, our favorite is car sex after a date. It reminds us of when we first started dating in high school."
Getting on the same page with your partner is important
Regardless of your position on cosleeping or bed-sharing, it's important that you and your partner are on the same page about what is or isn't permissible when it comes to physical affection or sex around your children — and how you'll react if a child accidentally sees more than they should.
"It's good for children to see you and your partner be affectionate with one another," Melancon said. "General touching, hugs, and reasonable kissing show your children how much you care about one another and teach them how to express it with their future partners."
It's also important not to make sex seem like something dirty or shameful.
"Create an open dialogue about sex, nudity, and gender," Hafeez said. "Doing so doesn't mean that one literally has to have an 'open-door' nudist policy in the home. Use your best judgment and ask yourself how you felt growing up about how your parents conducted themselves."
And if you do get caught in the act, don't panic.
"If children do catch you, ask them to close the door, then get dressed and go talk to them," Melancon said. "What you say depends on their age — older children may know what you were doing, but younger ones may not."
Making the call for when to make sex more private
It would be nice if there were hard-and-fast "rules" for parents, based on science, to help me make the call for when to stop having sex in close proximity to my child. But I'm heeding the experts' advice to trust my common sense, and here in my house, awareness and communication are helping us along.
Every day, my husband and I pay attention to how our son's cognition appears to be growing. We want him to see us cuddling and hugging and kissing. We want him to feel comfortable in the bed with us. But we also don't want him to be worried or scared unnecessarily.
So these days, we're being more cautious. We're sneaking inside for a "break" when the nanny has him outside. We're waiting until he's sound asleep before turning up the heat in the bed. And we're always careful to remain fully covered, so he doesn't see anything explicit.
"Obviously, as parents, you don't wish to upset your kids and, therefore, try your best to keep them from witnessing something they won't completely understand," Hafeez said. "However, at the end of the day, as long as you and your partner agree on what's seen as appropriate and set the proper boundaries, it should be OK."