Talking about your children in front of them may affect their self-esteem, experts say

• Families are spending more time together, so kids are hearing a lot more of your daily thoughts.
• Children by age 5 are thought to develop self-esteem - and form opinions based on what they hear.
• Three doctors say you should choose your words carefully when talking about your children.

When at the dinner table recapping the workday or chatting with a friend as the kids play in the other room, we can easily forget that they hear everything. Sometimes, we don't remember until they repeat a tidbit they overheard us use on the phone the other day.

As some families spend a lot more time together thanks to work-from-home opportunities and virtual schooling options, their time to have conversations without kids around is limited. Even if the kids are in the other room playing, it gives them much more time to hear chatter between adults. What is it doing to children's development and self-esteem when those conversations are about them - the good and the bad?

By the age of 5, children have already developed self-esteem. This is when "they are likely to listen to what people say and form opinions based on their interactions with others," according to Sanam Hafeez, a New York City neuropsychologist who is the director of Comprehend the Mind.

Researchers have found that boys have more positive self-talk when their parents speak kindly with them; for girls, it is teachers who are thought to hold a bigger influence. Right now, however, many parents are acting as teachers because of widespread distance learning.

The words you use when talking about your child matter, and this is true even when you are talking about other people. Researchers have found that when children overhear your negative feelings about a group, they take on your thoughts and feelings.

In other words, hearing you vent (especially about friends or family members) can have a negative impact on your children's development at a time where they are trying to manage other people's feelings in relation to their own.

"From our own work, we've found that children can develop biases towards groups of people that they've never met by merely overhearing someone on a phone call or video call make derogatory statements about those groups," Jonathan D. Lane, an assistant professor of psychology and human development at Vanderbilt University, told Insider. "It's a reasonable prediction that these effects would also emerge among children who overhear family at the dinner table making derogatory comments about other people."

What to remember when talking about kids

This doesn't mean you need to stop talking to friends and family members about children.

According to Dr. Sara Huberman Carbone, a pediatric program medical director at One Medical, the key is to focus on talking about behaviors versus characteristics. By talking about positive things that kids can control, you can boost their self-esteem while allowing them to distinguish their own feelings.

When talking about negative behavior, Huberman Carbone recommends addressing it in real time, as afterward children have a hard time relating discussions to earlier events.

This doesn't mean that praising your child should be a free-for-all. Even when speaking positively about your child, you should watch the language you use.

"Saying, 'She's so smart,' can create an expectation that a child feels they have to live up to and can negatively affect confidence," Huberman Carbone said. "Instead, discussing your child's effort will encourage them to embrace challenges, learn, and explore new things. For example, saying, 'I can see you put a lot of time and thought into your project,' focuses on the work they have done and the effort they have put in."