- The pandemic has made singles more privy to "hesi-
dating ," or dating indifferently, therapists say. - Low energy, pandemic uncertainty, and fear of wasting time have contributed to the trend.
An estimated 70% of singles are unsure if they want a
Pandemic-spurred uncertainty and low energy likely heightened some singles' tendencies towards "hesi-dating," or hesitancy and indifference to define their ultimate dating goal, experts say.
"The last two years halted socializing in a major way, so it makes sense that people may not want to throw themselves into dating, which can require a lot of emotional energy," therapist Emily Simonian, Head of Clinical Learning at Thriveworks in Washington, DC, told InStyle.
Singles who know they want relationships may also struggle with indifferent dating, since they want to make up for lost time during pandemic lockdowns. The possibility of choosing the wrong person and wasting time could be scary, Maria Sullivan, dating expert and Vice President of Dating.com said.
"This leads to the hesitant attitude and, in some cases, even prevents a relationship from becoming committed or serious altogether," Sullivan told InStyle.
If you want to avoid linking up with a hesi-dater, ask open-ended questions about a prospect's dating life and pay attention to their actions, relationship experts say.
To tell if someone is 'hesi-dating,' see if their words match their actions, a therapist says
If you want to find out if someone is indifferent about serious dating, pay attention to whether their words and actions align, Kelly Scott, a therapist at Tribeca Therapy in Manhattan, told Insider.
If, for example, you hit it off on the first few dates and they express they want to see you again, but never follow through and always leave it to you, it could mean they're hesi-dating, according to Scott.
"If someone wants to make it happen, they're going to figure out how to make it happen. It may not be perfect, but you will be able to feel the effort. And if you're not feeling effort, I think that's something that you really have to pay attention to," Scott told Insider.
Other signs a dating prospect is indifferent include consistently canceling or flaking on plans, always avoiding vulnerable questions, seeming disengaged when you speak in person, and responding slowly to texts seemingly out of nowhere.
If a person asks too many detailed questions about relationship values in the early stages, it could also be a sign they're hesitant to date in a serious way because they're too picky or too guarded, said Scott.
Ask, 'What has dating been like for you?'
You can also ask open-ended questions while on dates to get a better idea of what your match wants.
Scott suggested asking something like, "What has dating been like for you since the pandemic?" because it allows for nuance. She said you may not get the answer you're seeking if you ask, "What are you looking for?" because someone can easily say "a relationship" or "something casual."
According to Scott, you can better gauge compatibility by learning a match's goals, dating style, and personality, rather than demand they tell you if they're serious about relationships.
For some, it can be frustrating to not have an answer upfront. But assuming a match has it all figured out and that they'll never change is unfair and can lead to even more pain and heartbreak over unmet expectations, Scott said.