Should I leave my narcissistic husband and his toxic family? A therapist weighs in.
- People can change their behaviors to be better partners, but it requires radical honesty and communication.
- To avoid false hope, understand what you desire in your marriage and find out if your husband agrees to grow with you, a therapist said.
Dear Julia,
I'm surrounded by my husband's narcissistic family. They always find a way to be inconsiderate and disrespectful towards me, then twist my reaction to make it seem like I'm the problem. I know what they're doing, and I see that my husband lets it happen.
Deep down, I know that my husband is narcissistic like the rest of his family. But his narcissism isn't as extreme, so I tell myself that he's just insecure, defensive, and confused about how to fix things. It's easier to play along with narcissists than go against them, so who can blame him?
I love him and know he needs emotional security more than a normal person because of his family. So is it wrong to accept my marriage as it is, instead of breaking free?
I'm aware of my worth, but I'm also a woman in love. And I have hope that if I stick by my husband through all the bad moments, he'll eventually realize he should stop being insecure and defending his family drama.
Is there any hope for my narcissistic husband?
- North Carolina
Dear North Carolina,
I can relate to the desire you have to make your relationship work despite its imperfections.
Hope and love are powerful emotions, and I can remember times I enjoyed being consumed by those feelings. But I also recognize times when I held onto hope and love so tightly that I didn't realize I was holding myself back. Letting go was painful, but I'm better for it.
I wondered if you could be in a similar situation, so I spoke with Jaime Mahler, a therapist who specializes in helping people heal from narcissistic relationships, about your question. She told me that the fear of being alone often drives us to accept less than we deserve.
According to Mahler, cultural norms often have us believing that tolerating and enduring a just-alright relationship is worthwhile. But we should challenge that idea if we want to live our best, most self-actualized lives, Mahler said.
She said that taking time alone to understand the marriage you want, conveying that to your husband, and being honest about the results can help you decide how to move forward.
Consider if you want to change your relationship standards
When we hear about people ending or leaving relationships, we tend to fixate on the most egregious situations like abuse and cheating.
But it's also OK to end things for less extreme reasons, like noticing that your negative feelings about them outweigh your positive feelings, or, in your case, that you don't like how they consistently allow their family to treat you.
That doesn't mean you should run at the first sign of a partner's toxic habits or behaviors that rub you the wrong way, Mahler said. But if you hold onto hope that your partner will change without the evidence that they're trying to, you could end up losing yourself in your marriage, according to Mahler.
"You have to have a standard so you can say to yourself, 'What am I willing to endure? Where is my line?' Because if you don't, your partner can give you the bare minimum and you'll accept that as love," Mahler told me. "In reality, loving is not the same as enduring."
That's why she suggested taking some time alone to ask yourself if you genuinely want to make your marriage better. If you feel too exhausted to try, or are unsure that you could work on things without growing resentful, those are signs you're likely in the wrong relationship, Mahler said.
But if you do want to try, reflect on the patterns and behaviors you and your husband have fallen into. According to Mahler, name-calling, blame-shifting to shirk accountability, and swearing are a few examples of toxic behaviors that partners can fall into, regardless of whether they're a diagnosed narcissist.
She said that you should be honest about which behaviors you want to stop doing yourself, plus which of your husband's behaviors (and his family's) are hurting you.
How to decide if it's worth holding out hope
Once you have a clear idea about what needs to change in your marriage to make it feel loving and worthwhile, discuss these points with your husband, Mahler said. She said that people often avoid these talks out of fear, but they're an essential part of any healthy relationship.
"Most people don't want to know that their partner genuinely doesn't want work on making the relationship better, so they don't have these conversations," she told me.
If you avoid learning your husband's truth, you could be holding onto false hope that he will change in the ways you desire. And there's nothing stopping you from doing that.
But if you want to live up to your worth right now, you have to hear how he truly feels about the changes you want to see, even though you could end up disappointed, Mahler said.
I'll never forget when I gave up my own false optimism and allowed myself to feel disappointment in a (now ex) partner. It shattered my entire world, but eventually I felt hope again. This time, it came from knowing the type of relationship I really wanted, and the just-alright things I would never settle for again.
So never give up hope, North Carolina. Just make sure you're investing in the right kind.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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