Sex on the wedding night? Relationship experts say it isn't as important as you think

• Newlyweds may feel pressured to have wedding-night sex, but it may not be important.
• Two relationship experts say you shouldn't be worried if you don't have sex on your wedding night.

Once the cake has been cut, the bouquet has been thrown, and the guests have collected their gift bags, many newlyweds consummate their marriages. But not all couples have sex on their wedding nights.

Two TikTokers, @JoshandSav, said they didn't have sex on their wedding night or on their honeymoon. Instead, they talked for hours.

"We hadn't seen each other in so long," Josh said in the viral TikTok post. "We were trying to remember things that were happening throughout the night at the wedding. We were super tired."

Many people in the comments section said they were also too tired or too drunk to immediately consummate their marriages. Yet couples feel the pressure to have wedding-night sex.

Two experts say quickly consummating your marriage may not be as important as society has made it out to be.

Experts say this is an 'outdated belief'

Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a professional sex coach and sexual-communication professor at California State University, Fullerton, said we should let go of this societal expectation.

"We don't need to keep this belief and try to do it on the wedding night," Suwinyattichaiporn told Business Insider. "I think that getting married is a beautiful ritual, and we don't have to maintain that sexual expectation."

She said it's an "outdated belief" — whether or not you've had sex before saying "I do."

Kiaundra Jackson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said you should temper your expectations and drop the pressure on yourself and your future spouse to have sex on your wedding night.

"Consummating your marriage on your wedding night can be a big deal for some but not for all couples," Jackson told BI.

If you're feeling pressure, whether from society or friends, do your best to tune things out, Jackson added, especially if you've dealt with sexual trauma or struggle with religious or spiritual beliefs. Make a choice that's right for you and your spouse.

If it doesn't happen, your marriage isn't doomed

As the saying goes, marriage is the first day of the rest of your life — and included in that is a lifetime of intimacy that shouldn't be determined by just one night. So whether you choose not to have sex or something goes awry, Jackson said, remember that your marriage can survive and thrive.

"We often create fantasies in our head about how an experience should be, but when it does not meet our expectations, we get disappointed," Jackson said. "The beautiful part about being married is that you have a lifetime to figure it out, to learn each other's body, and to enhance your intimacy."

And don't force it. If you aren't enjoying yourself for whatever reason and doing it just for the sake of doing it on your wedding night, stop.

"It's better to not push it if bodies are not responding," Suwinyattichaiporn said.

Don't forget to talk it out with your partner

Even if you've had sex before, feeling nervous for your wedding night is normal, Jackson said. Lean on your new spouse and talk out your feelings without judgment.

"In order to ease your nerves, be honest and open about what you are feeling to allow your partner to comfort you," Jackson said. "Heck, they may be feeling the same way."

You can connect in other ways

Whether you're too tired, you've had too much to drink, or you just aren't in the mood, Suwinyattichaiporn said, there are other ways to experience meaningful "intimacy and connection" with your new spouse.

"You can get naked, cuddle, kiss, make out, go to bed together, hold hands, or hug," she said. "There are so many other ways to share intimacy, and it's totally fine to have sex the next day."

If you haven't had sex before your wedding, the same rules apply

For those who choose to abstain from sexual activity before tying the knot, the expectations and pressure can be even greater, Jackson said.

"You have no idea what your partner wants, needs, or desires sexually because this hasn't been explored yet," Jackson said. "For the couples who were engaging in sexual activity previously, I think there is less pressure because they already know what it is like to be intimate with their partner. The expectation is probably to maintain a good sex life, while the former was to initiate a good sex life."

Whether things don't go as planned or you simply choose to wait, don't be discouraged if your first time comes after your wedding night.

"You just promised to be together forever — there's plenty of time," Suwinyattichaiporn said.