Seasonal affective disorder isn't just for winter months. Summer highlights my depression, and sunny days make me blue.

• Michele Harris has major depression that gets worse in the spring and summer.
• Sunny days, the smell of fresh-cut grass, and warm weather all trigger her.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Michele Harris. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

Think about the first warm day in spring. The sun is out, the air smells different, and people are wearing shorts and flip-flops, even if it's not quite warm enough yet. It's a day most people look forward to, but I dread it.

I have seasonal affective disorder, a type of depression that flares up at certain times of year. Unlike most people with seasonal affective disorder, I don't experience my symptoms during the cold, dark days of winter. My depression worsens with the sunshine and heat. I'm one of about 10% of people with SAD who have summer depression.

It seems like everyone looks forward to summer, which makes me feel like I should, too — but I don't. The disconnect between how I should feel and how I actually feel brings out shame, guilt, and depression. People understand depression, but when I mention to them that my symptoms get worse in the summer, they have no idea what to say.

I love outdoor activities, but I look forward to cloudy days

I would say that I've had summer depression for my entire adult life. I Googled my symptoms and talked about them with my therapist, who guided me to embrace the diagnosis. Knowing that this is a legitimate condition helped alleviate some of my guilt.

Doctors aren't sure why people have summer depression, but I think my condition is caused by a few factors. I struggle with depression year-round. There's also so much pressure to be outside living life during the summer. On top of that being overwhelming for a person with depression, I'm sensitive to hot weather.

No one expects me to be doing things when it's below freezing and snowing, but during the summer, the disconnect between my mental health and social expectations is huge. The whole season feels at odds with my mental state.

As a teacher, I have a lot to keep me busy during the school year, but when I stop working for the summer, many of the negative thoughts that I've held at bay come for me.

Recently, I was lying in bed with the fan on, reading my book. This is how I prefer to spend the majority of my time in the summer. All of a sudden, I heard my neighbor mowing his lawn. It's such a quintessential summer sound, and it reminded me that other people were outside enjoying the sun. It was a huge trigger because I remembered that the rest of the world saw summer as a time of joy and productivity.

Summer highlights my depressed state

Like many people, I become obsessed with the weather during the summer, but while others look for sunshine, I'm hoping for the opposite. Sunny days make me feel overwhelmed and unproductive. I hate when the weather forecasters say "beautiful weather" for sun and heat because beautiful weather to me is cool and cloudy.

Overcast days are my favorite. Rain is second best. My ideal summer morning is one where I can put on a long-sleeve shirt and enjoy the chill in the air. On gray days, it's more socially acceptable to stay in and cuddle up with a book. I can just enjoy these days without thinking about all the summer activities I should be embracing.

People are surprised to learn that I love the beach and boating. My boyfriend boats about three times a week during the summer, but I'll join him only if the weather is cloudy and cool. I'm much more likely to visit the beach during the fall or winter, rather than in July and August.

During the summer, I usually adjust my depression medications to help handle my intensifying symptoms. I see my therapist more and try to find things to help me cope. For example, I look forward to the peonies blooming every June. But I look forward to cool fall weather even more.

It's validating to know I'm not the only one who has a hard time

When I was younger, summers were even more challenging. As a single mom raising my daughter — who is now in her 30s — I wanted her to enjoy her time off from school, so I enrolled her in a swim club and other summertime activities. But in the mornings, I would get up early and sneak outside to cry because I was so overwhelmed by the pressure summer brought. I hoped she wouldn't notice.

This year, I posted in a Facebook group for teachers, asking if anyone else felt like they took awhile to adjust after classes let out. When I received hundreds of responses, it was so validating to know I was not alone. Of course, struggling with an adjustment isn't the same as having depression, but being out of the classroom definitely contributes to my mood disorder. Finding out that it affects others, too, was influential.

This led me to speak out about my condition. While summer is great for many people, some of us are miserable during the warmer, sunnier months, and that's OK.