- I've been with my husband for almost a decade now, and can count our nights apart with my hands.
- I genuinely sleep better when we share a bed, and when we don't my sleep quality is terrible.
I've always joked that my superpower is being able to fall asleep anywhere. Literally, anywhere. I've slept on airport floors after a flight was delayed. I slept during a concert at a friend's house — with an actual band — because I was too tired from skiing. And I've slept through my newborn babies screaming right next to me when they were hungry in the middle of the night.
That said, during the very few nights that my husband and I have been apart from each other during our nine years together, I've had a hard time sleeping.
Granted, he doesn't snore, nor does he get out of bed that often to wake me up. Maybe if he did keep waking me up in the middle of the night, I would suggest a "sleep divorce" — when spouses stop sharing a bed and sleep in separate rooms. But for now, we'll keep sleeping in the same bed with separate blankets, which is our only point of conflict. I need to be hot when I sleep, and he needs to be cool.
An estimated one in four married couples go separate ways before bedtime, according to a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation. Some choose to have two separate beds in the same bedroom, while others move to a different room. Relationship experts previously told Insider that while there are benefits to sleeping apart, it can also affect intimacy.
I sleep better when my husband is next to me
I don't know what it is about sharing a bed with my husband that works for me, but I do know that if I'm by myself, I struggle both to fall asleep and stay asleep.
Our relationship escalated quickly, and so we've been sharing a bed — first a queen-sized, now a king — since almost the day we met.
In previous relationships, I struggled to fall asleep with someone next to me, and I usually would be the first to get up. There was always something bothering me — the way the other person breathed or if they wanted to hold me too closely so I couldn't roll around in the middle of the night.
I lived by myself for a really long time, and while I had long-term relationships, I never lived with anyone seriously before my husband. I liked being alone too much to make that leap. So I've had my fair share of sleeping alone in my life.
Safety might be a factor
Recently my husband went on a trip, and I struggled to fall asleep as I thought of all the worst-case scenarios in my head. One night, I even got out of bed to make sure all the doors were properly closed, just in case.
Granted, I've lived in not-so-very-safe places before, and before meeting my husband, I would keep my nightstand light on just in case I needed to do something — like run away from someone — in the middle of the night.
When he's gone, the stillness of his empty side of the bed creeps me out. Once I am able to fall asleep, I keep waking up every couple of hours.
He can't really be replaced. During this same trip, our 5-year-old came over in the middle of the night after a bad dream, and I invited him to sleep in my bed with me for the rest of the night. I thought it might help both of us sleep. He slept until past 8 am that morning, but I woke up hours beforehand.
Maybe it's co-dependency, or maybe I just really, really like sharing a bed with him. Either way, sleep divorce isn't for me.