- Over a third of Americans are "sleep-divorced," or sleep in separate beds.
- Sleeping in different rooms can improve sleep quality and make you miss each other more.
As powerful as love is, there's one thing even the most passionate feelings can't overcome: Poor sleep. If you're a light sleeper, everything from your beloved's scrolling habits to their 6am alarm can jolt you awake.
It's why many American couples — over one-third according to a recent survey from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine — now opt for a "sleep divorce," or sleeping in different beds. Some, like longtime television host Carson Daly, credit it as the "best thing" for their marriage.
Isabelle Morley, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in couples therapy, said that habits like rising or going to bed at different times can cut into the recommended 7-9 hours of sleep we need each night to be healthy. She recommended a sleep divorce if you notice yourself feeling extra rested when your partner is out of town.
"Sleep is sacred," Morley said. "We should put sleep above almost everything else because it's our greatest mood regulator." Lack of sleep can mean morning snippiness or disengagement from your significant other, which is why she said it's never too early in a relationship to bring up a sleep divorce.
But it can be a tricky subject to broach — especially if your partner lives for bedtime cuddles. Morley shared some tips on how to do it without hurting anyone's feelings or losing your sense of closeness.
Start the convo by emphasizing togetherness
More often than not, Morley said that her sleep-divorced clients will include one person who really wants to sleep together, while the other really needs that space.
To kick off the conversation about sleep divorce, Morley suggested "starting gently and lovingly"— and emphasizing how it can strengthen you as a couple.
She said you can lead with something like: "Sleeping apart has nothing to do with wanting to minimize connection or time together. It's really about prioritizing good sleep for everybody's well-being and happiness."
It can feel like a big change, so it's important to reassure your partner that the change isn't about being around them less. If anything, the goal is to make the most of your time together, because you'll actually be awake enough to enjoy it.
Develop a pre- or post-bedtime ritual together
While you may be sleeping in separate beds, it doesn't mean you can't hang out in one or the other's room before bedtime.
"You can still read together before you go to sleep or one person could crawl into the other's bed in the morning to still have that intimate time together," Morley said.
Another option she recommended is to build a routine before or after parting ways, such as snuggling on the sofa or doing an activity together in the morning.
Ironically, sleeping apart might make you more intentional in how you spend quality time together.
Be open to compromise
Some partners might still really want to share a bed overnight at least some of the time, so Morley said compromise can help, sometimes.
For example, some of her clients practice sleep divorce because they have kids, who might usher them out of bed in the middle of the night. Those clients might snooze apart during the work week to get as much sleep as possible, but share a bed over the weekends when they can sleep in more.
Avoid disclosing your sleep divorce if you worry about judgment
If you're concerned about how family members or friends will react if they know you sleep in different rooms, Morley emphasized that you don't have to tell anyone, ever.
But if it comes up and someone judges, she said you can always just tell them the truth: "We get better sleep when we don't sleep in the same bed and it actually gives us more emotional space to be loving and connected when we're awake."
Who knows — some couples might be inspired to try the same.