One of my parents had schizophrenia. It impacted my parenting, and I'm breaking trauma cycles.

• One of my parents had schizophrenia along with alcohol addiction.
• My other parent tried to protect me from their toxic relationship.

Nearly one in five adults in the US live with a mental illness, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. This means many children in the US are being raised by a caregiver with a mental illness. I was one of those children. One of my parents suffered from schizophrenia. With my lived experience in childhood, I am acutely aware of how I want to break the cycle of abuse.

My upbringing can be difficult to discuss, but it was integral to my passion for becoming a mental-health professional. I grew up in an abusive home for the first six years of my life.

My parent suffered from not only a severe mental illness but decades of alcohol abuse — a traumatic upbringing for them that included being left without food, begging on the streets, living in and out of the foster system, and surviving several suicide attempts that left them physically impaired.

My other caregiver tried their best to protect me from the toxic behavior by sheltering me from the dramatic scene. What we know from neuroscience today is that to develop a healthy brain, humans need protection from toxic stress and at least one loving and supportive relationship. My caregiver didn't have either.

As a 20-something, I had an intrinsic desire to learn why people do the things they do. This ultimately led me to become a therapist. I wanted to learn more about my caregiver's severe mental illness, but I also wanted to heal myself. Once I moved away from my childhood home and began building my own life, I thought I had it figured out — until I became a mother to a strong-willed toddler.

4 things I've learned about breaking abusive cycles in parenting

You need to have the courage to have difficult and uncomfortable conversations with your child. Looking back at my childhood, I reflect on how I was left alone, scared and wondering if I had created the chaos around me, whether it was a psychotic episode when my parent came off their medication, the car accident that almost took their life, or the suicide attempts. No matter how difficult a situation may seem, take the time with your children to see how they process what's happening around them. Make room for their thoughts and feelings, and explain to them what's happening in age-appropriate, straightforward language.

Learn how to regulate your own emotions, then model that. Many people weren't taught as children how to regulate their big feelings; I most certainly wasn't. Having one parent with schizophrenia and another with a high expression of emotion (high in criticism, hostility, and emotional overinvolvement) was a recipe for emotional disaster. Model adaptive coping skills, talk about them, and reinforce when your child shows you their skills.

Self-compassion is the antidote to guilt and shame. Trauma survivors are more likely to experience symptoms of anxiety and depression. Identifying my symptoms quickly and adaptively responding to them allows me to feel less triggered when I'm parenting. For me, overstimulation in my environment — my kids throwing epic tantrums and pulling me in different directions — increases my irritability, and I'm more likely to lash out verbally. Each time I acknowledge my mistake, make space for discussion about feelings, and make a repair.

You can break the trauma cycle at any time. And when you're ready, don't do it alone. While practicing new skills, changing narratives, and integrating these in your life takes effort, it's worth it to raise emotionally healthy children. It takes the right kind of support to move toward your values. It's not a goal but a journey that aligns with how you want to live.

Working consistently and intentionally to break cycles of trauma and show up with grace and love can help your children grow well adjusted

Michelle Tangeman is a host of the podcast "Parenting Understood," a mom of two, and a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles. To learn more about Michelle, visit her website.