My wife is physically and emotionally abusive, and couples counseling hasn't helped. Is there any hope to repair our relationship?
Editor's note: This post discusses abusive relationships.
- Though it's possible for an abusive partner to work on themselves and change for the better, you should consider whether waiting for that change is worth your time and energy.
- Create lists of the benefits and challenges that come with staying and leaving your relationship, and use those points to inform your decision.
- Seeing a therapist while weighing your options can help you build you self-worth and gain clarity, which you may have lost during years of emotional and physical abuse.
- Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. You can read more Doing It Right here.
I'm a 40-something man and I've been married to my wife for 20 years.
She's been emotionally and physically abusive towards me, and I've looked for ways to fix this problem for the past 15 years that didn't involve me leaving.
But I couldn't find any help, and I decided an affair wouldn't be so bad. I was eventually caught, and my wife and I went to counseling for more than a year.
That was three years ago now, and I have made huge changes to my life since.
But when it comes to my wife, I don't see that she's made changes to hers, as she's still emotionally abusive towards me.
Is there any hope to repair the relationship or should I leave?
- California
Dear California,
You don't deserve that.
I'm not surprised to hear that you've had difficulty finding support and professional help with this problem, since abuse towards men isn't often acknowledged. But that doesn't mean you aren't worthy of support and a relationship that makes you feel good about yourself.
In reality, 1 in 10 men have experienced physical abuse at the hands of a partner, and said it negatively impacted their mental health.
In order to move on from the abuse you've endured, you'll have to think critically about your relationship, your own self-worth, and if you believe your wife has the capacity to change.
Philadelphia-based therapist Burgandy Holiday recommends listing the benefits and challenges in leaving the relationship, as well as the benefits and challenges in staying. She suggested creating a points system, like a score between 1 and 10, and giving each item on your list a score based on its importance in your life.
"Whichever [list] has the most weight at the end, that's the one that tells me which way to go," Holiday told me.
As you make these lists, consider how your wife's abuse has affected your self-worth and ability to see what you truly deserve in life.
"Emotional abuse can leave long-lasting internal scars that can ultimately have a negative impact on your self-esteem, confidence, and mental health, causing depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts," Dallas-based therapist Shanta Jackson told me.
See a therapist to process your emotions and better advocate for yourself
If, while making your lists, you find yourself justifying your current relationship as it is, or believe you can't find something better elsewhere, Jackson suggested seeing a therapist on your own.
She said a therapist can help you process your emotions surrounding the relationship, build up your confidence, and gain more clarity on what you want in life.
Though you went to counseling with your wife, Holiday said an individual approach can be more helpful.
According to Holiday, "couples therapy legitimizes the behavior and the experience of each partner in the therapeutic dynamic," but that doesn't work when abuse is involved. "We don't want to legitimize abuse," Holiday said.
Seeing your own therapist would allow you to build your own skills to better navigate your marriage dynamic.
"That individual therapist is helping you to understand what you bring to the table, what's the backstory that informs your current behavior, or how you process and understand the things happening around you," Holiday said.
This individualized approach is useful whether you decide to stay in your marriage or not.
If you stay, your wife could see her own therapist and potentially learn to channel her emotions in non-abusive ways. Then, the two of you can use the individual skills you learned in therapy to reconcile your relationship.
Of course, there's a chance your wife doesn't want to work on her behavior, or is unable to apply what she's learned in therapy. In that case, I'd advise you to move on while continuing with your own therapy and calling on loved ones for support.
If you choose to leave, make a plan
Jackson suggested thinking about where you'll move and if you need to save up money or other resources to do so.
During this time, don't be afraid to get outside support from people you trust and organizations that are skilled at helping men in situations like yours.
According to Holiday, men-focused groups that use a Trauma, Recovery, and Empowerment (TREM) framework can make you feel less alone while you heal from your relationship turmoil. A simple Google search can help you find local and virtual ones to attend.
Throughout this process, never forget to be kind to yourself. You're worthy of so much more than the last 15 years of your life.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.
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