My wife has filled our house with stuff, and I think she has a shopping addiction. How do I get her to stop?

• Though it may feel like it, it's not your place to decide whether your wife's behavior is so unhealthy she must change.
• Instead, focus on what her shopping habit triggers in you, like anxiety.
• Have ongoing conversations about how to work together, and set boundaries to see if the relationship works for you.

Dear Julia,

My wife likes "pretty things."

When she gets bored she goes shopping. When she goes, she tends to buy these pretty things.

We've only been living together for about six years, and she's already filled every nook and cranny of our little house. She buys me a new shirt at least once a month. Yesterday she bought me three shirts and also bought herself six new pieces.

How do I get her to stop?

- Wisconsin

Dear Wisconsin,

Everyone has their own relationship with the literal stuff in their life, and it seems you and your wife aren't on the same page.

If you're someone with a less-is-more mindset, I can understand how a house filled with pretty things could get on your nerves. At the same time, I wonder whether you've considered why your wife enjoys these items, or the act of buying them.

It's something you should get curious about yourself before you approach your wife, therapist Nicolette Heidegger told Insider.

Avoid telling your wife you find her shopping unhealthy and that you need her to stop. According to Heidegger, it's not your place to decide if and how she changes.

It's on your wife to determine if her shopping habits are unhealthy for her, "but you can do some processing and thinking about what your boundaries are and what you are OK with and not OK with in a relationship for yourself," Heidegger told Insider.

She said asking yourself questions that target your own relationship needs can help you approach your wife and decide how to move forward.

Ask yourself why the shopping bothers you so much

If you want to raise your concerns to your wife, it's important you know what you want out of the situation first.

This way, you're more likely to have a productive conversation about where you're both coming from, rather than a full-out argument.

According to Heidegger, you should ask yourself questions like:

• What worries me most about this?
• Where might this concern come from, based on everything I know about myself and my upbringing?
• How am I contributing to this ongoing dance with my wife? What is my role here?
• What do I want and need?
• Why don't I feel comfortable addressing this directly, and what is getting in the way?

Your desire to make your wife stop likely stems from another, deeper need, and these questions can help you figure out what that is. For example, the house clutter that results from shopping could be making you anxious, or you worry about the financial aspect of the situation because of how you were raised to look at money.

Consider whether you're promoting a behavior you secretly dislike too, said Heidegger. She said if you always thank your wife for the things she buys you, but it's actually an act you put on to make her feel good, you should think about changing your own behavior to match your feelings and needs.

Ask your wife why she likes shopping, and expect many more conversations

Find a time when you and your wife are both free to talk in person, and make sure neither of you is hungry, tired, lonely, or angry, Heidegger said. It's important you both agree you're in a place to receive feedback.

When you deliver that feedback, use "I" statements that focus on how you feel. This way, you're focusing on the deeper meaning of the shopping disagreement, rather than the shopping itself, said Heidegger.

Instead of saying, "You shop too much," you can say, "I feel very anxious when the house is full of things. I really want our space to be a collaborative one. It would make me feel so good if we could talk about our boundaries for our space," she said.

It's possible your wife will become defensive when you bring up your concerns, but you shouldn't double down. Focus on understanding where she's coming from instead, while knowing your feelings matter too. If you can't figure out how to empathize with her side, ask her why she likes shopping so much, what it feels like for her to buy things, and where she learned to have an appreciation for these "pretty things," as you call them. It's hard, but leaning into curiosity here will get you on the right track.

Of course, these things take time and this conversation won't lead to an instant or permanent change. Knowing that, figure out ways to consistently check in and offer each other feedback. Heidegger also recommends therapy, which provides a space to work on your communication skills together.

And if you wife won't budge after you've put in the work, it's fair to ask yourself whether this is something you can live with or not. After all, the only person you can control in any given situation is yourself.

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