My widowed son and his kids live with us, but my husband wants them out. How do I keep the peace?

• Talk with your husband about what he specifically dislikes about your son and grandkids living with you.
• Come up with a game plan together that involves your son contributing to the household and check in every two months.
• Setting boundaries with your son doesn't signal a lack of love or care. Rather, it's a way to strengthen your connection, a therapist said.

Dear Julia,

My son and two grandchildren moved in with us about seven months ago.

My son has full custody of his kids and lost his job due to the pandemic. He was in the middle of a divorce when this all happened, and his wife passed away from a drug overdose about two months after he moved in here.

He feels somewhat responsible for her overdose, believing he could have helped like he has so many times before. He's receiving unemployment and has no interest in getting a job right now, which my husband doesn't like. He wants my son out of our house.

I'm at my wit's end trying to keep peace in my house. Please tell me what to do.

- North Carolina

Dear North Carolina,

Balancing your own needs, along with the needs of a husband, grieving son, and grandchildren is intense. I'm sorry you're going through this.

In order to get some of your peace back, you'll have to ask your husband and son for help, California-based therapist Kristie Overstreet told me. Don't feel guilty. She said it's normal to want to help your son through difficult times while also wishing he leaned on you less.

"One of the things so many parents struggle with when their adult kids go through things is, 'How do I give support, love, and care without making them dependent, or without enabling them?'" Overstreet told me.

Create new expectations with your husband

It seems your husband's wishes and son's behaviors are at opposite ends of the spectrum, which can make it feel like you have to choose a side.

In reality, an honest conversation with your husband and son could lead to a compromise that makes everyone in the family feel safe, sane, and cared for, Overstreet said.

To start, have a one-on-one chat with your husband about the specific reason he's unhappy with your son living with you. Is it that your son doesn't contribute financially? Does he leave all of the household chores to you? Perhaps your husband feels like he no longer has privacy in his own home.

Pinpointing the reason will allow you to find a middle ground. For example, if money is the main issue, you could tell your son it's been difficult to maintain a four-person household and he'll need to pitch in a certain amount each month to continue living with you, Overstreet said. You could also require your son work a certain amount each week and that he contribute to household chores as a condition of his stay.

"There's no time limit on grief. However, there's also responsibility that needs to happen," Overstreet told me.

No matter the boundaries you and your husband choose, it's important you agree to them together.

Overstreet also suggested checking in two months after the agreed-upon plan is set into motion. This way, if the arrangement you decide doesn't work or your needs change, you can reassess the boundaries you've set.

"They're almost doing this as an experiment because it's something they've never had to do before. Neither one of them knows exactly how to handle it, so coming from that collaborative space as a couple could be really helpful," in keeping your marriage strong while honoring your own needs, Overstreet told me.

Have a non-judgmental talk with your son and husband together

Once you and your husband know what you need to feel good about sharing a space with your son, it's time to approach him.

When you go into the conversation, remember the boundaries you're presenting are meant to strengthen your relationship, not ruin it. Think of it this way: You can't be a great mother to your son if you feel like you can't be your best self in your own home.

"It's got nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with 'You're here. We love and support you, but we've got to ask that you contribute because we're working as a family system,'" said Overstreet.

So tell your son how you've been struggling, and that you understand his struggles too. Lay out the plan you've created. If you son wants your continued support, he'll support you too.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

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