My son is now a healthy teenager, but his birthdays bring me right back to when he was in the NICU

• It took me years to realize why my child's birthday triggered nightmares.
• I wish someone had warned me about PTSD for parents of children who were in the NICU.

My son turns 14 soon. Though he's a relatively healthy teenager, and for years we've been able to manage his chronic health condition, Hirschsprung's disease, his birthdays bring me right back to when he was a gravely ill newborn.

I used to think that there was something wrong with me — that I should be extremely thankful and honored and excited to mark every milestone he achieved, especially given his exceptionally rough start. And I am honored, thankful, and grateful. But it's complicated.

I don't look forward to his birthday

Instead of eagerly planning his birthday festivities, I dread the day. And not in your typical "what a pain to plan a party" or "I can't believe my baby is X years old" kind of way.

Sometimes it's nightmares.

More often I just lie awake replaying, minute by minute, the critical day when our son went from healthy to sick to not being able to eat or poop. Sometimes it's like a loop repeating everything about that night 14 years ago when we didn't have a diagnosis but our bloated, dehydrated infant with a 100% colon blockage was whisked into emergency surgery for a colostomy that saved his life.

Blood is rushing in my ears just recalling it. I never anticipated such a visceral reaction, so many years later, to something as normal as my kid's birthday.

I'm not alone in the feeling

I used to think I had some messed-up association with birthdays and crises. But thanks to online support groups with other Hirschsprung parents, I know I'm not alone.

A 2020 study of 80 parents of children who were in the neonatal intensive-care unit found that 15% had signs of post-traumatic stress disorder a year after their children got released from the hospital, and it suggests parents could benefit from long-term counseling services.

For the first 10 years of my son's life, I didn't realize parents could have PTSD from their child's medical emergency. I thought PTSD was reserved for soldiers who'd seen battle. What a relief to learn my experience is normal, even common.

I remember so clearly how the NICU nurses reminded me to eat and sleep and urged me to hold my baby. They trained me to care for my newborn's complex medical needs and arranged in-home nursing support and weekly doctor visits upon our release from the hospital.

However, I wish someone would have cautioned me about the toll it could take on my own mental health to parent a sick child.

Maybe my son's specialist or pediatrician could have shared things to keep an eye out for when it came to our own well-being. Or my own OB-GYN or general practitioner could have warned me that even after my child grew and thrived, his birthday could be a trigger for years to come. It might always be.

In a similar way, scrolling by pictures of newborns hooked up to tubes and monitors puts me right back in that NICU room. I also feel it just stepping inside the children's hospital. Red Jell-O and prepackaged peanut-butter crackers — which they stocked in the NICU parent kitchen and which we used as a meal replacement for at least 11 days — are two snacks my husband and I won't ever eat again.

Even though it sounds rather strange on the surface, what a relief to learn there's nothing wrong or abnormal about our experience.

This year, in the apprehension of my son's birthday, I know the difficult memories and pit in my stomach are coming. I recognize it; I'm prepared. My once sick baby has grown and matured in remarkable ways I could have never imagined on that scary day in May 2008.

As his mother, caregiver, and advocate, I've grown in some remarkable ways, too.