My sobriety was reaffirmed when I vacationed in Mexico — life is better without alcohol

• When I chose to quit drinking, watching my partner drink was one of the hardest parts.

• While on vacation, I struggled but watching others drink confirmed my choice to pursue sobriety.

Fears over the impact of quitting alcohol on a relationship are a major concern for many. One of the most common questions I get asked is how to navigate a relationship where the other partner is still drinking. Harder still? A relationship where the partner doesn't support your sobriety (which happens more often than you might think).

While my husband John was supportive of my decision to quit drinking, I hear many stories of women who either feel pressured to drink or watch firsthand as their former drinking buddy continues to spiral into the painful descent of addiction. What then?

It's a question I asked Annie Grace, author of "This Naked Mind," in an Instagram live. Grace said the pressure comes from a place of fear. A partner might think, "I'm being left behind. You're evolving past me." Like so many others, we don't even know what our relationship would look like without alcohol, so it makes sense that this change would feel like scary, unchartered territory for a couple.

Communicate your needs and the best way to navigate them

Grace encourages people to chart their own sober course and let their experience lead by example. Refrain from pressuring your partner to join you and acknowledge that this is your decision, not theirs. AA uses the saying, "Attraction, not promotion." Oftentimes, a partner will see the other person blossom and thrive, and they will naturally get curious. If not, consider the implications for the relationship and for your children if both of you remained in a toxic drinking cycle.

Amanda White, LPC and founder of Therapy for Women Center, also suggests that you have early conversations with your partner around setting boundaries. "Come up with what [your] nonnegotiable boundaries are. It could be different for everyone. Maybe they don't want alcohol in the house, or they don't want to go to a bar." Then determine where there might be wiggle room. If your partner wants alcohol in the house, can they keep it in the garage or another space where it's not in your face?

A trip to Mexico tested my willpower

I didn't have any of these conversations with John because I was afraid of revealing just how hard my newfound sobriety really was. I didn't find alcohol in the house all that triggering because I remembered that for me, it was never about having just one. I would "play the tape through," a common recovery phrase, which means consider the full experience of where that first sip would lead. This was a powerful strategy that helped me overcome countless cravings.

When we went to Mexico for an all-inclusive vacation planned months before I decided to quit drinking, I stuck to my guns. I realized going back to drinking would only compromise all the work I was doing to be a better mom.

That week was hard, there is no tiptoeing around it. We might have been sitting on a beach in paradise, but I was squirming every moment of that trip. Every time John ordered a cocktail, every time I looked in the TV console where the liquor dispensers lived, and with every "Can I get you a drink, senorita?" I clenched my teeth and shook my head.

Watching others drink reaffirmed my choice

But it wasn't all mental war games. I would wake up early in the morning and go to the hotel gym, something I'd never done on vacation before. I would come back to the room feeling invigorated and refreshed while John was still in bed. I admit I watched curiously as other vacationers ordered drinks, and I was fascinated by their drinking habits. I'd assumed everyone was getting as drunk as I was, but here, many people were slowly sipping one, maybe two drinks. Apparently not everyone was out to get blitzed every chance they got.

As I observed that others were perfectly happy without tracking down a server for yet another one, or spending hours at the bar, I wondered how I must have looked when inebriated. All the ridiculous, cringy things I'd laughed off, believing everyone else in the room was just as drunk as I was. Because from what I was starting to see, it wasn't nearly as many as I'd thought. The experience only affirmed that I was making the right choice by pursuing sobriety.

Excerpted from "It's Not About the Wine: The Loaded Truth Behind Mommy Wine Culture" (Broadleaf Books, September 12, 2023). Reprinted with permission from Broadleaf Books.