- Physical intimacy can be about more than an
orgasm , so you're not wrong for wanting it. - Explain how the lack of intimacy makes you feel, like inadequate, and suggest solutions.
- Getting on the same page won't solve everything right away, but it's a good starting point.
- Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. You can read more Doing It Right here.
My wife and I have been married for more than 30 years.
About five years ago, my wife started saying she didn't have much of a
Since then, we've had sex much less frequently. In the past year or two, we only have intercourse every other month for my pleasure. She doesn't want me to try to arouse her orally or with her vibrator, but she continues to masturbate.
I feel sad that she doesn't want me to pleasure her and only has sex to satisfy my physical needs.
When I mention our sex life, my wife says she doesn't want to talk about it or see a therapist, as she feels there is nothing to discuss. She'll say, "I'm not interested in sex and you have your needs taken care of, so why bother?"
Am I wrong for missing intimacy and closeness with my wife?
- Boston
Dear Boston,
No, you're not wrong for wanting to feel closer to your wife.
The fact you're concerned about her and want to improve your
Based on what you've told me, it seems your wife's indifference towards sexual intimacy is partially rooted in her belief that you're OK with the arrangement. Explaining why you're not OK with it, and naming why you feel that way may help her realize it's about more than an orgasm for you.
Initiate another conversation with her, but this time explain how the lack of partnered sex is impacting you and your relationship with her. This isn't a time to guilt-trip your wife, but instead address your needs in a non-judgmental way.
Rachel Wright, a New York City-based therapist and sex educator, suggested using her AEO, or acknowledge, explain, offer, framework to do just that.
For example, you could tell your wife you've noticed she's not interested in engaging in sex or talking about it, and that disinterest, from your perspective, has negatively impacted your marriage.
Next, explain exactly how the lack of sex and conversations about it has made you feel. You mentioned to me you felt sad. It sounds to me like you also feel disconnected from her and unimportant in your relationship when she ignores your concerns. (If those feelings resonate with you, tell her.)
Finally, offer ways to work through the problem together and let your wife speak her truth.
Since she still masturbates, it's possible she's avoiding sex due to confidence issues, work-related stress, or another life change that happened five years ago when she first mentioned her waning libido.
There's no way to know for sure until you ask and she shares, so coming at this conversation with lots of empathy will help. To do that, remind yourself to remain curious about what's going on with your wife, Wright told me.
She suggested asking your wife how masturbation feels for her compared to partnered sex, so you having a jumping off point for troubleshooting.
As you prepare for this initial conversation, try your best to be easy in yourself. You and your wife likely won't come to a resolution right away, but sharing how your dynamic has affected you both is a great starting point for stronger communication.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it - no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of
Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.
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