My partner and I only have sex 5 times a year, but he masturbates a lot. How can I get him to pay attention to me?
- A lack of physical intimacy can create distance in a relationship, so it's understandable you're upset.
- At the same time, your partner's masturbation preferences don't mean he doesn't care about you.
- Create a safe space for you and your partner to discuss what his libido means to him and how you'd like to improve your partnered sex life. If you approach the conversation in a curious and non-judgmental way, you're more likely to find a compromise.
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I'm 47, and I've been in a relationship for three years. For awhile now, my partner and I haven't been intimate and he rarely comes to bed even to sleep.
We have sex about five times a year, but he makes a lot of sexual innuendo talking about a third person. At the same time, he says he has a low libido.
I feel betrayed and hurt because he won't have sex with me, but he recently told me he has been regularly watching and pleasuring himself to porn videos. I don't know if my feelings of hurt are unreasonable or misplaced, but I miss being intimate with him. Is there anything I can do, or is it a lost cause?
- London
Dear London,
You have every right to feel hurt. Your partner is sending you mixed signals about how he feels about you, and going without sex for the better part of a year can contribute to feeling distant and disconnected from the person you love.
But your situation doesn't have to be a lost cause, and it's one worth working through if you want to continue your relationship.
For starters, it's important you recognize that a person's drive to pleasure themselves and their drive to have sex with another person can be completely different. That may be the case for your partner, New York City-based therapist Rachel Wright told me.
"Your partner watching porn and masturbating is not a rejection of you, it's simply him having time to himself," Wright said.
At the same time, you're allowed to be concerned about your very different libidos and how it's affecting your relationship.
Think about how your partner may feel about his lack of interest in partnered sex, and then open a conversation with him to get a better understanding of where he's coming from.
"I would encourage you to approach this with as little judgment, ego, and frustration as possible, and come at it with curiosity and love," Wright said.
Instead of telling your partner his habits are ruining your sex life, ask what his low libido means to him and how masturbating feels different than partnered sex. It's possible you aren't getting the full story here, so being curious rather than judgmental could help you get to the bottom of the problem.
You should also talk about how often you'd like to have sex going forward and why being physically intimate with him is so important to you.
Throughout the conversation, remind your partner that you care about him and want to better understand where he's coming from so you can be on the same page about your sex life. This approach, rather than getting worked up, is more likely to allow your partner to open up and share what's really been going on.
You might not solve your problem in one conversation, but starting an honest dialogue about your relationship now will build a foundation for a better sex life, and overall connection, in the future.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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