My parents struggled to fully accept me after I came out as trans. I realized they needed time to process the new me.

• At 33, I came out to my parents as transgender, and they questioned whether I really was a man.
• I moved in with them, and slowly I realized they just needed time to process.

I thought coming out to my parents as transgender would be easy.

After all, I'd already done the hard part. I'd long agonized over my decision, asking myself if I really was transgender or if I was just sick of being treated like a woman. I identified as nonbinary for a short time — only to become immensely frustrated with being seen as female despite my short haircut and men's dress shirts.

At long last, I'd made my peace with the fact that I'm a transgender man. I was finally ready to tell people.

I assumed this would be quick and easy: I'd tell my parents the truth about who I am, they'd accept it, and we'd all move on.

But that assumption turned out to be unrealistic. When I moved back in with them shortly after coming out, I watched my parents go through their own process of fully accepting the new me.

I came out to my parents as trans at 33 and then moved in with them

In retrospect, I didn't handle coming out as well as I could have. At the time, I was planning a trip home for Thanksgiving. I wanted my parents to know my new name and my pronouns before I got there. So I emailed them.

My parents acknowledged my email but didn't really ask any questions. When I came home, we had a long conversation that turned into an argument. They asked me if I was sure about transitioning or if I was just imitating my friends. I got defensive.

Plus, they seemed to remember my entire childhood differently than I did. I remembered clearly a time when I was 12: I wanted wallpaper in my bedroom that they said was for boys, so they wouldn't allow me to have it. They didn't recall that incident.

By the end of our fight my parents understood I wasn't transitioning on a whim, and by the end of the visit my dad offered me some of his old sweaters.

But they still didn't fully understand where I was coming from. It was all exacerbated when I decided to move in with them shortly after that. I couldn't afford my life or my apartment, and I wanted to be closer to my sister's children.

At first I struggled to understand why my parents couldn't fully accept me

When I moved in, they continued to refer to me with "she" and "her," which really got my hackles up. They also had a lot of questions I saw as antagonistic — for example, they continued to ask me how I could be sure I was transgender when I never gave any signs as a kid.

But as I spent more time with them in their house, I realized they were just trying to come to terms with who I am. When they asked why I didn't offer them any signs as a kid, I realized they were really asking themselves how they could have missed something so huge about their own child and if they'd failed as parents.

I'd already done all the hard work of figuring out who I was, but my parents were at the beginning of the process

My transition was new and unexpected as far as my parents were concerned. They'd known me for 33 years as a girl and then as a woman. They'd raised me, sent me off to college, and stood on the sidelines while I floundered as a young adult. Now, seemingly out of the blue, I was informing them that they never knew the real me and that they never had a daughter.

I realize that's a lot to process. It was hard for me when I was trying to figure it all out, and it was equally hard for my parents. They needed time to undo their vision of who they thought I was.

I, in turn, had to readjust my expectations. My parents had known me as a woman for over three decades, so it was unrealistic to expect them to call me by a different name and pronoun right away.

Living in close quarters showed my parents just how happy I was after finally coming out

Even though my parents wanted to be supportive, they were scared about my making radical changes that couldn't be undone. But after I started hormone-replacement therapy, they realized I was a lot happier and less prone to angry outbursts and impulsive decisions.

Once they saw I was calmer, more pleasant to be around, and generally happier, they realized I'd made the right decision.

My parents are supportive now, but it's still a work in progress

It's been a decade since I came out and moved in with my parents. Over the years they've learned a lot about me and what it means to have a transgender child. But there's always more to learn.

They still grapple with practical questions like whether their close friends need to know I'm trans. Sometimes they get it right, and sometimes they get it wrong, but they always have good intentions. For me, that's good enough.