- My parents' marriage had a lot of issues — they never showed each other affection, for instance.
- My views on love and relationships became pessimistic, making me terrified of long-term commitment.
Last weekend, my roommate's parents celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary.
They posted a picture of themselves at a fancy restaurant with their arms around each other. They had big, genuine smiles on their faces. They even coincidentally bought each other the same card.
Like everyone else, I responded with "aww," but then a spark of jealousy hit me.
Growing up, I didn't have the best example of marriage. I never saw my parents kiss. I never saw them hold hands. I don't know their wedding anniversary or whether they ever celebrated it. They were life partners, sure, but for as long as I could remember, I could not detect any signs of romance.
Now that I'm in a serious relationship, I'm nervous about our future because I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like.
I noticed at an early age my parents had problems
As I reached my teenage years, I began to pick up on regular moments of tension in my parents' relationship: fights, passive-aggressive jabs, bad-mouthing each other to me, and awkward dinners where unspoken issues hung heavy over the table.
Eventually, my mother began telling me more details about her relationship with my dad. I learned about all sorts of problems they'd had, including how she almost divorced him when I was an infant.
Even though they've stayed together, my father still refuses to talk through problems with my mother, leaving many issues unresolved.
As a result, I developed a pretty pessimistic view of love and relationships
I found ways to avoid commitment and intimacy because I started to believe that relationships never lasted — or, at least, happiness didn't. I was convinced that relationships would always cause a lot of pain and that there's no healthy way to resolve conflict.
I also ended up looking for guidelines elsewhere. The media I consumed was full of overgeneralized or unrealistic ideas about dating that I internalized as "rules" — something I now realize is an unrealistic approach to dating.
I'm in my first relationship now and it's healthy but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop
When I met my current partner, I wasn't looking for much. I was open to dating, but I had no standards, no expectations, and no idea what a real relationship looked like.
Things went well at first. And then they continued going well.
We've learned about each other's upbringings, our goals, our boba orders, and how many hours before a flight we believe is necessary to arrive at the airport. Whenever we had bad days, we showed up for each other.
But every so often, I start to panic internally. I catch myself thinking that this can't possibly last. I look for issues, always staying hypervigilant about prospective arguments that could cause a fracture in our connection. I'm in disbelief that I'm in a healthy relationship.
I believed that time would be any relationship's doom. In reality, the more time that passes, the more I let go of my fears.
It's been a slow process, but I'm learning and healing with time. I remind myself that I am not my parents. My relationship is not theirs and neither are my circumstances. They tried their best with what they had, and if you ask them, they may say they're happy with their life together. It's not what I want, but I'm learning from their mistakes instead of repeating them.
I'm lucky enough to have access to therapy and a wonderful friend group that I turn to when I start to freak out so I can process instead of self-sabotage.
When my partner and I have misunderstandings, we talk them out and apologize whenever necessary. Luckily, my partner has taken the time to learn why I think the way I do and is relentlessly patient with my anxieties.
Love is a choice, and I'm choosing to put in the effort
I've also learned that love lasts not organically but through mutual effort. You might have heard this before, but love is a choice. It is our choice to be with someone, to support them, to plan dates for them. Knowing this comforts me because it allows me to have some agency in my dating life. Ugly fights and petty jabs are not some sort of destiny that awaits all but responses we can work to avoid.
I've been waiting for my partner and me to "lose our spark." We haven't. If anything, we've grown closer and more in love over time.
I don't know what the future holds, but I'm letting go of the fear gradually. In the meantime, I look for examples of healthy relationships that have lasted, like my roommate's parents' to remind myself that it is possible.