My husband and I don't live together anymore. It's improved our marriage.

• Spending time apart is a great way to improve my and my husband's relationship.
• We ignore conventional relationship advice and do what is best for our marriage.

Noah and I went on our first date over 30 years ago. We traveled together, had kids together, moved to Argentina, and created a life there together. Some people see us as a perfect couple because of that closeness.

The truth is a bit different. Decades of togetherness left us feeling trapped and miserable. It's exhausting managing life with another person. What's for lunch? Did you feed the dog? Every day became a series of organizational meetings of household life. Living as ex-pats forced us to rely on each other for everything. Noah was my go-to person when I felt sad or angry or when I wanted to share my joys.

That's a lot of pressure to put on another person.

Then the pandemic happened, shoving us together 24 hours a day for months on end. Our time as a couple became something we did just because we thought, "Isn't that what couples are supposed to do?" When we weren't fighting, we rolled our eyes and tolerated each other. It was no way to live.

We decided we needed to live apart

I don't remember the moment one of us decided it was better not to live together anymore. At first, it was just a few days here and there, often because one of us had a project or simply needed space.

The more we did this, the more I realized how much I needed time on my own to breathe and feel OK. It added a dimension to my life that I'd forgotten existed. It had been so long since I'd experienced it.

Now we spend most of the week apart, splitting parenting duties as if we're separated. It felt wrong at first, like spending time apart meant the death of us. Now that I'm used to it, I don't want to go back to how we lived before.

Half the week, I have the house to myself. I do what I want when I want without having to take anyone else into consideration. I've stopped turning to Noah as a habit when I'm sad or lonely. Instead, I go out with friends or meditate, journal, and work on myself by myself.

My kids and I have developed our own rituals for the days we're together. It makes our relationship stronger when we read books and watch Guy Fieri's cooking shows without having to take another person into the equation. I've started looking forward to seeing Noah again, too. Morning coffee is a time for us to share what's been happening in our lives since the last time we saw each other.

The hardest part is what other people think. It's the look of pity in people's eyes that I hate the most.

People assume that living apart is a sign of selfishness or a broken relationship, but it makes our connection stronger. We fight less and enjoy our time together more.

Conventional relationship wisdom says to always put the other person first, and that's true as long as you're taking care of your own needs first. When Noah and I are together all the time, we aren't able to focus on ourselves. If your needs aren't being met, then putting another first all the time just drains you.

And what if this does signal the beginning of the end? It's deeply painful to think my 30-year connection with Noah could end, but it's a much better option than wallowing in a life that's not working.