- I'm friends with some of my exes, and I wasn't ready to end those friendships when I got engaged.
- After my husband told me he trusted me, we met each other's exes and ended up all becoming friends.
"Now that you're engaged," my sister began, "you're going to stop talking to your exes, right?"
I almost spit out my milkshake, because this thought had never occurred to me.
After over two years of dating, my boyfriend was now my fiancé. We were taking all the steps couples take on their way to getting married, and changes were happening fast — moving in together was our next big milestone. I knew I had to clean out my closets, but cleaning out my friendships was not in my plan.
I left my sister feeling confused and slightly nauseated. The milkshake I'd downed churned in my stomach, and I couldn't let go of the heavy expectation that I was supposed to dump my exes because I was getting married. Two of these men were my closest friends. The romantic part of our relationships had fallen away, and our connection had evolved into a deep
The more I asked those around me what to do, the less confident I felt about what to do, until I talked to my soon-to-be husband.
My friends all said I couldn't keep my exes and my fiancé
"No, I'm not friends with any of my exes," my best girlfriend replied.
She said she'd made this choice out of respect for her fiancé's feelings. She didn't want him to feel insecure or jealous, and he'd done the same for her. No exes confused their friendship circle. When I told her I was planning on staying friends with mine, she said, "I wouldn't do that. That's just weird."
My friendships didn't feel weird. Over the years we'd supported each other through different romantic relationships and talked out life's problems. They felt like friendships.
I called up other girlfriends and asked their thoughts — and turns out, I was weird. Maintaining friendships with exes wasn't the norm. My girlfriends' strong opinions triggered massive confusion. I'd been so excited for all the changes marriage was bringing, but now I felt icky feelings of loss.
I wanted to keep my fiancé and my friends, but maybe that just wasn't how it was done. I needed to talk with my husband-to-be.
My husband's trust is all I needed
We'd talked about having kids, our living arrangements, and even whether or not to share a toothbrush, but reorganizing our group of friends hadn't come up. My fiancé stayed in touch with several of his exes, so if he expected me to give up mine, he'd have to give up his, too. That was only fair.
Sitting on the couch next to the man I loved, I prepared myself for a heated debate. My stomach did its familiar flip-flopping routine, and I told him about the premarital etiquette I'd uncovered. I explained how I wasn't sure that parting ways with my exes who happened to be friends was how I rolled.
"I trust you. I trust us," he said. And he meant it. At that moment I felt our connection deepen even more.
We met each other's exes — and while we agreed those first meetings were a little awkward, we didn't find any lingering romantic feelings.
To our surprise, we did find instant best friends in the other's old flames. Our besties came to our wedding, and my husband and I hang out with them on our own.
Getting married brings a ridiculous amount of change, but I'm relieved to report that changing friendships wasn't part of it.
After 18 years of marriage, our friendship circle is more supportive and balanced, because we each brought the best of our best friends into it.