- In 2004, my ex-husband introduced me to his mom. She wasn't immediately fond of me.
- We had a baby and married against her wishes. We had a contentious relationship with her for years.
In April 2018, my two kids and I had just returned home from a weekend away when there was a knock at the door. "You've been served." A man handed me a manilla folder and said, "Sorry," before disappearing into the night.
Though my ex-husband had abruptly moved out five months prior — and we hadn't seen or heard from him in more than three months at that time — we clung to the hope he'd remember our vows and he'd someday return home.
But in those moments, reading the thick stack of documents, I couldn't think of that.
Time froze into a thick, icy wall of pain, and my children, who witnessed the event, froze, too. After 14 years together and married for 11, we endured miscarriages, out-of-state moves, and everything in-between. And despite life's tests, we remained unwavering in our commitment to each other and our family. Or, so I thought.
I never imagined we'd encounter a problem so big it couldn't be fixed. Yet, as I stood in the doorway trying to make sense of it all, I felt the whole world crumble on top of me and bury me alive.
Through a stream of tears and my heartbroken children's incessant wails of confusion, I called the first person who came to mind, despite our challenging past: my ex-husband's mother.
It didn't matter how she felt about me through the years or how I felt about her. It didn't matter how often we failed to understand one another or how differing our views had been on many things. My mother, who lived a state away, couldn't get there fast enough, and, by all accounts, my ex's mom became mine, too.
She had been divorced too and helped me at first
To my surprise, she came right away. She helped calm my children, comfort me, and offer advice on how best to navigate the sudden loss of our family unit — the biggest piece of my identity — with a firm assurance that everything would be OK.
As a seasoned divorcee, she reminded me to keep my focus on the most important casualties, the kids, and to do so with the same vigor I had when committing my life to her son. Even still, our loyalties remained divided: hers to her son and mine to our lost family unit. Our communication faded just as the divorce took on a vicious life of its own.
Fast forward through an uncomfortable spring when court dates trickled in from lawyers I couldn't afford and a traumatic summer when I had no job prospects, forced to call homeless shelters and food banks to survive, while my ex-husband came and went "as agreed to," further deepening the wounds.
By the time fall floated in, my ex-husband gained visitation rights while staying with his father, but a few months later, he moved in with his mom. I realized then she could only ever choose him but it still hurt.
We reconnected because of my kids
In February 2020, our contentious divorce had been finalized. Around the time I met my current husband, I discovered my ex moved out of his mother's house and into his girlfriend's place. The exit put a strain on my ex and his mom, and unbeknownst to me, she lost contact with our kids—something she took very hard.
This was the chance to start anew, to get to know each other in a real way without interference. What began with an offer to see the kids soon morphed into more visits, conversations, and forgiveness. Without the restraint of a protective mother looking after her son versus a devoted yet misunderstood wife who tried to do the same, the fog lifted, and we could finally see each other clearly.
When I think of everything that's happened, the roads that forced us apart or intersected in ways we couldn't navigate, I'm reminded of the love I have for my kids — namely, my son — and how, on a fundamental level, I understood my ex-mother-in-law more than ever.
Now, nearly 20 years after our initial meeting, she and I are closer than ever. We celebrate holidays and commiserate over past antics while looking ahead to the future. More than that, she's accepted my new husband, too.
Without the divorce, I believe to my core, this relationship wouldn't have evolved. There are still days I grieve the loss of those 14 years with my ex-husband and all the ways our family would've grown. But in the wake of the loss, I found something I never had with my ex-mother-in-law before; the thing I wanted all along — acceptance. And, despite the broken road, I'm so grateful we made it to the other side.