- My two daughters, Danny and Ava, are 21 years apart in age.
- I thought I would feel more confident with my second kid, but parenting has changed dramatically.
I have two children, and they're 21 years apart in age.
My first child, Danny, was born when I was 25. She is a 24-year-old digital artist. She's always been a deep thinker and takes in all aspects of life. My second daughter, Ava, is almost 3 years old and is a bubbly chatterbox who doesn't like to sit still. When I had her, I thought I would be far more confident, having parented before. With Danny, I was young and anxious, and I read multiple psychology and childcare books.
Though the books should have helped, I instead felt worried that I would unthinkingly let Danny down. I worried she would end up troubled, distressed, or having a horrible illness with symptoms I might not notice. Despite my worries, Danny turned out fine.
So I thought I'd be less anxious with Ava and that things this go-around would be easier. But my experience has been very different. While it's true that I might not be as anxious as before, I still feel overwhelmed at times. It feels as though most of the knowledge I gained last time just doesn't apply.
I'm learning to accept that my children have their own personalities
As a parent for a second time, I find myself trying to apply the same methods with Ava that I used with Danny, but they're so different. Before Ava was born, I had already envisioned color schemes for her room that Danny would have loved, but Ava prefers different colors and enjoys playing with completely different types of toys.
While both children love flowers, Danny was fascinated by their details and would stare at them during long walks. Ava enjoys getting her hands (and everything else) dirty while digging in the garden. She also loves prematurely harvesting her dad's veggies.
Danny would create elaborate events like tea parties, and Ava likes jumping, riding on toys, and scary dinosaurs. Danny chose simple clothes, but Ava loves color and sparkle. I'm learning how important it is to put my experience aside so that Ava can show me what she needs.
Parenting ideas have evolved over time
Modern-day parenting methods tell us to step back and create more space for freedom. A mother I follow on Instagram is homeschooling her children in the hills of Wales, while another parent, a friend from college, is "unschooling" her children. When I had Danny, parents were taught how to develop their children's potential using traditional schooling methods. We are known as a generation of helicopter parents.
Now parenting focuses on intrinsic motivation, or giving your children the confidence, freedom, and support to discover what they love. Danny follows this mentality. As an artistic child who never really enjoyed school, she encouraged me to keep Ava away from academic pressure and let her find her own footing.
Danny's insights come from her experiences, which is how every generation becomes more self-aware of their upbringing. I haven't lived her experiences, so I'm learning to shift my beliefs by listening to Danny, as well as the younger parents around me.
With my 2nd child, parenting priorities and gender norms have changed
It seems as though the changes that have happened within society have also shifted parenting beliefs. Culturally, we're far more open now about parenting struggles and how anxious and lonely it can feel. Researchers such as Rumbi Görgens from Embrace continually challenge the myth that motherhood is an individual task and point out the enormous level of support that new mothers need.
Parents share openly that self-doubt and anxiety are normal. In many ways, parenting has become far more holistic, with a new focus on mother and infant health. This has been positive in many ways. I feel much more aware of the importance of support, adequate nutrition, and symptoms of postnatal depression.
When I had Danny, it wasn't like this at all. I remember breastfeeding in public toilets with cigarette ash on the toilet-roll holders. Now there's no smoking in public spaces, and there are even dedicated breastfeeding spaces in many public places.
This time, I couldn't breastfeed exclusively because I had autoimmune problems and struggled to make enough milk. It felt like the general message I was hearing was that "breast is best," and I felt guilty every time I needed to make Ava a bottle of formula. When I found websites and bloggers who argued that "fed is best," I appreciated their insight. It helped me dispel the guilt.
After having Ava, in recent years, I've become more aware of how gendered many aspects of childhood are, despite many cultural changes that have become more accepting, and aware of the fluidity of gender. I have noticed how girls clothes are often covered in glitter or images of pink unicorns, while boys clothes often have animals or scientific themes. Though there are sometimes options for gender-neutral clothes, Ava would love shirts with spaceships on them, too, but there simply aren't as many available in the girls section.
I confess to shopping across manufactured divides depending on my child's choices and have even covertly moved clothes from the "boys" section to the "girls" section. I have bought dinosaur-themed trucks (and plastic dinosaurs themselves) from the boys side of the toy shop. While clothes and toys are easily swapped, I do worry about the social beliefs associated with them and how they might affect Ava as she grows up. With Danny, I was completely unaware of the importance of challenging any gender limits. (Danny, thankfully, was not unaware and has taught me a lot.)
Having an online community of honest mothers has been a gift this time around. With the internet, I'm able to find mothers who share my worries, as well as my experiences. Being able to read about their experiences, which speak about uncertainty, fear, and guilt, has been wonderful, particularly during pandemic lockdowns, when in-person baby and toddler groups weren't up and running. While Ava has definitely been more isolated during the pandemic, I have felt less alone with my anxieties.
Despite the differences, some things never change
While my parenting style has changed, many things have remained the same. Both my children love listening to stories, cuddling, and spending time looking at books. Danny loved poetry, and Ava loves Gerald the giraffe and the Gruffalo.
When they feel overwhelmed or hurt, holding them and telling them it's OK have soothed them. They both have appreciated it when I kiss their sore knees. Encouraging new adventures has been valuable to each child.
For both my daughters, I've continued to constantly wipe up Weet-Bix before it dries and clean jam off the couch. They both love animals and enjoy spending time at the beach, with me begging them to come out of the water. Having an incredible coparent has helped me find time for myself to have a cup of tea or a long bath, which I often have needed with both children.
While some elements of parenting are unique to each child, others never change.