- My child said they were neither a girl nor a boy when they were just 6 years old.
- I allowed them to wear dresses and play with makeup, but their style is changing.
When my child was in preschool, they began wanting to wear "girl" clothes and princess dresses.
For as long as I can remember, my child, who was assigned male at birth, has gravitated toward what Western gender norms view as "girl" toys and activities. They preferred dolls and Barbies to their brother's train and construction toys, and ballet class over soccer.
"Make me a queen," my child would ask, holding out a blankie so I could help tie it around their neck. We bought them their first princess dress at Disney World after riding the "Frozen" ride. I'll never forget the joy on their face as they admired the way the dress spun around them.
But as my child grows up, their style is changing, and I'm learning what gender identity really means — especially during the back-to-school season.
I bought my child a few dresses and noticed that they seemed to come more alive when they wore them
According to the American Psychological Association, gender-diverse children are typically consistent, persistent, and insistent when they feel their gender is different from their assigned sex. My child's gender expression checked each of those boxes.
Whenever my child donned a new dress, played with makeup, or gave themself a rather messy manicure, they'd walk with their head held higher and smile even broader.
When my child turned 6, they reached a revelation that didn't surprise me. Over pizza in the garden of a café in the New York City neighborhood of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, earlier the pandemic, they said that they were "not a boy, not a girl" but a "they." They said they felt "sometimes like a boy and sometimes like a girl."
It felt less like coming out and more like they were merely putting a name to the thing they'd been expressing for years.
As my child got older, they moved away from dresses and expressed themself in other ways
My kid is now 9, and they've stopped wearing dresses. Instead, they're wearing their older brother's hand-me-downs without complaint. They didn't seem to want to wear dresses to school or nightgowns to bed — like they used to.
These days, my kid insists on growing their hair long and buying accessories that their cisgender female classmates typically wear. They wear a pink backpack with rhinestones and tiny stuffed-animal keychains hanging off it. They love a rainbow-hued shoe. Purple reigns supreme. They are often misgendered as a girl when we're out and about.
For back-to-school shopping this year, I took them to a store so they could make their own fashion choices
I normally shop for them online, but for this upcoming school year, I wanted to give them a chance to make their own sartorial choices.
When we went clothes shopping, I brought them to the girls section and pointed out cute dresses — thinking that if I gave them the opportunity, they'd pick out what I thought they wanted to wear but maybe were afraid to ask about. After all, as much as our family, our caregivers, and their school friends honor their gender identity, my child is old enough to notice that the larger world isn't as accepting.
"Nah," they said, dismissing the dresses, which surprised me.
But when we got to the T-shirt section, their eyes brightened. They held up a black T-shirt with a sparkly unicorn leaping across the front. They also grabbed a pink hoodie. On their own, they found a purple shirt from the boys section and chose a backpack with gold hearts on it by the register.
We've finally found a back-to-school wardrobe that reflects how they feel inside. Since that shopping spree, I've weeded out the clothing items from their brother that they never wear. I filled in their closet with things that looked more like them. Now my child is happily wearing everything in their wardrobe — from red, pink, and coral-colored T-shirts to shorts dotted with tiny pineapples and sneakers with rainbows on them.
This back-to-school experience taught me that my nonbinary child's expression of gender identity is not about adopting 'boy' or 'girl' styles
This experience has reinforced in me that there are a lot of creative ways to express gender — and not all of them are what one may assume.
For my nonbinary child, dressing is about finding a style that reflects how they feel. I hope that as my child gets older, they will continue to feel confident in the ways they express their gender identity.
For now, that means their back-to-school wardrobe consists of styles that aren't "boy" or "girl" clothes but something in between — an eclectic and personal mix.