My brother ghosted me. This time, it may be forever.

• I'm 10 years older than my brother and I felt like a maternal figure to him, but more fun.
• As adults we would talk on the phone regularly, and bonded over having toxic parents.

Just like in a bad romance, I've been on and off for years. But this is no romance; this is a brother-sister relationship.

Many sibling relations are wellsprings of conflict, but my brother and I have always been close. Ten years his senior, I approximated a maternal figure but was more fun and lax, sans nagging and criticism. As adults, we talked on the phone every week. Many sibling relationships are a hot stew of rivalry, but our key ingredients included loyalty, love, and mutual resentment toward toxic parents.

We had a huge fight

The explosive break came during a visit to his and his wife's home. She had confided in me about their fights. Later, shocked and terrified by his alcohol-fueled verbal aggression toward me and then his wife, I called her parents, concerned for her safety.

My brother and I had been products of an abusive home, but our paths diverged when it came to coping: I sought healing through therapy while he remained entrenched in learned behaviors and began drinking frequently.

Instead of standing together against his rage, his wife was angry at me for calling her parents. I was the outsider. Even the strongest sibling bonds can break; our tight-knit relationship unraveled.

Although I attempted amends through letters and emails after the rift, our relationship was never the same. We'd visit infrequently while I tried to keep us all connected, especially after they had kids. He has rarely initiated contact over the last 13 years, though he would respond to most emails. But even the responses waned, and after a decade of trying, I've given up.

I'm not alone

One in four people are estranged from a relative, according to Psychology Today.

I am far from perfect, but I actively seek out healthy relationships. He doesn't seem interested. The cost of disengaging from this relationship is experiencing deep grief. At the same time, I feel relieved. Why would I want someone in my life who obviously isn't interested in participating? By cutting unhealthy ties with my sibling, I was able to improve my mental health despite the pain.

Therapy, friends, and self-care helped me accept reality and let go of the relationship.

Therapy has helped me release many toxic connections over the years, not just with family but with friends and lovers as well. Now, I heed the red flags and disengage from those who are unkind or not working on their emotional evolution. Also, I built and maintained a strong network of friends who are supportive and loving; this network substitutes for family. Most of all, practicing self-compassion helps me remember that taking care of myself is the kindest resolution.

One of the best life lessons for me comes from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, "Don't take anything personally." When I'm sad on my birthday or the holidays because my brother doesn't reach out, I remember not to take it personally. I try to find compassion for my little brother. Pivoting from mourning and resentment to compassion, I rediscover love and forgiveness.

I understand that we are all doing the best we can with what we know. He will always be my brother, and I'll always love him, even though he is not part of my life.