- It's a frustrating but common experience to feel like sex is a performance, a sex therapist said.
- If performing makes it difficult for you to be present during sex, practice feeling pleasure in your daily life.
Dear Julia,
When I was 18, I started making OnlyFans content. I came into my sexuality with an audience, and everything I did felt like a performance. Now I'm 21, and I notice that I struggle to stay in my body when I have sex, even when the camera isn't rolling.
When I'm giving pleasure, it's not really an issue. I'm very in tune with how I'm making my partner feel, and that makes me feel very good.
But I zone out when I'm receiving pleasure. Because of this, I've only reached orgasm with a partner a handful of times. I have the same problem when I masturbate. The more I try to fix it, the worse it gets.
I try not to think of an "end goal," but most of the time, my partners and I expect that I'll orgasm. The moment I start feeling good, the pressure to orgasm pops into my head and I freeze up. At this point, the only way I can cum easily is with a vibrator.
I just want to relax and have fun. I'm sick of performing and I'm sick of not feeling anything. How can I relax enough to reach orgasm?
-New York
Dear New York,
I'm sorry that sex hasn't been pleasurable for you. It can be frustrating to know what you want, but feel like your body isn't cooperating.
When this happens during sex, a time when we're supposed to let go and just enjoy ourselves, it can often feel like you're getting in your own way.
While your previous choices could be affecting how you have sex now, that doesn't mean you should criticize yourself. It's rare to learn from a young age that sex is meant to be a celebration of pleasure, so I can understand why your 18-year-old self leaned into the performance aspect of sex. But you can also learn to lean out of performance.
To start, remember that feeling relaxed during sex is essential if you want to be present and able to receive pleasure, Shadeen Francis, a Philadelphia-based sex and relationship therapist, told me.
To be able to relax during masturbation and partnered sex, focus on learning about the types of pleasure you genuinely enjoy outside of the performances you've created on OnlyFans, according to Francis. She said that figuring out what you want during sex can take lots of practice, since we aren't typically taught that's important.
"When we don't know that sex is an opportunity for pleasure, we often don't prioritize it. Particularly for anyone who isn't a man, it's very unlikely that you learned about sex in a way that showed that your pleasure mattered," Francis told me.
Being gentle and patient with yourself can help you find true sexual satisfaction, Francis said.
Practice feeling good for the sake of feeling good
To start learning about the sensations you personally find enjoyable, focus on how you use your five senses in day-to-day activities, Francis told me.
She suggested starting with the basic question, "What feels good?" and paying attention to sights and sounds you find beautiful, and tastes and smells you find delicious, when you encounter them at home or walking down the street. Perhaps you'll realize you feel drawn to petting your friend's dog, raking your fingers through its fluffy mane. Or maybe you'll notice that time slows down when you smell freshly cut grass or eat a homemade bone-warming stew.
Francis said that her personal favorite form of this is taking a bath. In addition to feeling the temperature of the water against your skin, it's a chance to slow down and touch yourself all over, figuring out what feels good to you.
The type of discovery takes time, but making it a fixture in your daily life can help you slowly shift your mindset to put your enjoyment first, Francis said.
"It creates a foundation so when you're having sex with other people, you can begin to invite them into who you are, rather than doing what you think they like or be who you think they want you to be. You introduce them to who you are, and allow them to co-create experiences with you that are mutually pleasurable," Francis said.
Table orgasms – at least for a little
The same strategy could help you enjoy solo sex more too, according to Francis.
She said that it's possible that you've internalized masturbation as a performance, especially if touching yourself is, or was, part of your OnlyFans work or orgasming felt like a way to give your audience what they wanted, according to Francis.
That's why she suggested deprioritizing orgasm during sex, at least for a little while.
"I'm not saying that orgasm never ever matters, but in order to learn what's pleasurable for you, orgasm can't be the point," Francis said.
Even though reaching climax can come with immense satisfaction, having orgasm as an end goal can cause us to put more pressure on ourselves than we may realize, Francis said. Trying to feel as turned on as possible could be a more reasonable goal that allows you to meet yourself where you're at on any given day, according to Francis.
Have you had an OnlyFans experience that you want to share? Email the author at jnaftulin@insider.com.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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