Lockdown did not stop people having sex. 4 people share their stories about breaking the rules to hook up.
- Sex with people you don't live with is generally frowned upon during the coronavirus pandemic. Lockdowns in many cities, states, and countries explicitly banned it.
- But there is plenty of evidence that, even at the strictest point of lockdown, people were breaking the rules to have sex and date.
- Sharing their stories with Insider, some said they felt guilty, but others said it helped manage their mental health.
"I just think it's strange that we can't really see anyone else," a 23-year-old from Florida, who has been hooking up with their partner during lockdown though they don't live together, told Insider.
This person, who did not share their name for fear of shame and repercussions, is one of eight people who told Insider about their experience of breaking strict lockdown rules to have sex with someone outside their household.
Some countries like Denmark and the Netherlands — known for having more liberal attitudes to sex — sympathized with their citizens' libido when they brought in lockdowns, suggesting single people get a "sex buddy" for the duration, or that sex was exempt from the rules because a pandemic should not get in the way of casual sex.
However, many countries, like the US and the UK, most of Europe, Australia, and much of Latin America, strongly urged singles to put casual sex on hold, and for couples who don't live together to either move in, or prepare for some time apart, to limit the spread of the virus.
Now, after more than 3 months, the rules are being eased. For many, that (ostensibly) means it's been almost a quarter of a year of celibacy.
But there is some evidence that people have been surreptitiously seeing others.
We know that so-called "quarantine fatigue" can lead to riskier behavior, as Insider's Anna Medaris Miller previously reported, and cutting off intimacy, with no end date, goes against our nature as social creatures.
"When those who would like to be having sex and are used to having it regularly experience a lack of sexual intimacy, the opposite can occur," Dr. Dulcinea Pitagora, a NYC-based psychotherapist and sex therapist, previously told Insider.
That can be "in the form of detrimental effects to mental, emotional, and physical health resulting in a variety of symptoms; and feelings of isolation, insecurity, and lowered self-esteem," Pitagora said.
Even public health experts have openly acknowledged that a public health crisis will not quell the human desire for intimate contact — though they warn it is an easy way to spread the virus.
"It's become critical to acknowledge that people will not stay celibate during a pandemic that has no end in sight," New York City's deputy health commissioner Demetre Daskalakis told CBC this week. His department also published a "kinky" guide to having sex during the pandemic that reduces face-to-face contact, and recommends masks and toys.
His words echoed those of Dr. Anthony Fauci, head of the US pandemic response, who, in an interview with Vanity Fair, said people can certainly still go on Tinder dates — but "only if you're willing to take a risk."
Insider heard from a handful of people who said they flouted lockdown rules to have sex. Fearing fines and backlash, they all asked to remain anonymous, as they explained what drove them to do it, and how they felt about it.
Here, four of them share their stories:
"It's unhealthy if you're in a long term relationship with someone to not have that intimacy" - Late-20s, New York City
We talked, and unless the city was going under strict quarantine, we knew we would still see each other, but on a much more limited basis.
I suggested we meet up because I think it's unhealthy if you're in a long-term relationship with someone to not have that intimacy. I think as long as rules are respected and people you live with are aware and OK with this, then it should be okay.
A healthy, intimate relationship may be important to some people's mental health and a lack of it can do more damage than quarantine.
I think as long as everyone is aware of possible consequences and are okay with that, then it is completely possible to "break" quarantine with the person you are dating.
"I was too in the moment to think about any potential implications of our hookup" - 23, Florida
My partner and I met on a dating app, and now we officially are together, but live apart.
When the coronavirus outbreak started, we were concerned that we wouldn't be able to see each other. But after doing our own research, we realized the only the regulations our area had in place barred us from being out past a certain time. Otherwise, we were allowed to meet.
We didn't really think about the consequences of seeing each other, and they don't matter to me because we were already exposed to each other before the pandemic started.
During our hookup meet-ups, I was too in the moment to think about any potential implications anyway.
Even afterwards, I felt fine. I just think it's strange that we can't really see anyone else.
"I ultimately decided that continuing to see this person helped my own mental health, and at a very low risk" - mid-20s Brooklyn, NY
I met the person I hooked up with through a friend. I'd been with him sexually before the pandemic. We decided to meet up during the New York City lockdown, but decided to talk about logistics first.
Before we got together, we had a discussion about the lockdown rules, our social circle sizes, and what the implications would be if we continued to see each other.
We decided to keep seeing each other since he lived alone and his current social circle, apart from me, was zero. The only person in my immediate social circle was my roommate, which meant we were each exposing ourselves to two people total. We decided that it was low-risk in terms of social circle size.
Additionally, I biked to and from his apartment, so there was also no immediate risk of infection through taking Ubers or Lyfts, public transportation, or coming into closer contact with people walking on the street.
Despite having some periods of feeling guilty at the beginning, I ultimately decided that by continuing to see this one person, I was helping my own mental health, at a very low risk.
I no longer feel as guilty as I initially did, and I've stopped thinking about the lockdown rules whenever I see him.
"At some point I want to start living my life again" - 26, New York City
He asked if I'd "be okay with meeting in person — six-feet-apart of course." But when I arrived at the meeting place — we were picnicking in Central Park — he was already there and had taken his mask off. I sort of felt pressure to do the same.
He also only brought one rather small picnic blanket so we definitely weren't six-feet-apart.
After we had sex and kissed, I personally felt fine. He had already had COVID-19 two months prior and fully recovered, so if anything I figured swapping spit with him would maybe make my immune system stronger? That's definitely not scientific but who knows. [Editor's note: There is no evidence that suggests having sex with someone who has had and recovered from COVID-19 will make your immune system stronger.]
I did, however, feel really guilty that I hadn't checked with my roommate about it prior. I stayed at his place the whole night, and when I woke up in the morning I was dreading going home because I knew she'd be upset.
For me, this whole experience has been much more about feeling like I can't really make my own choices in lockdown because my roommate's level of comfort with quarantine activities is much different than mine.
It feels really oppressive and frustrating, especially in a city like New York where this will be our reality for a long time. At some point I want to start living my life again.
Read More:
How 3 people are navigating sex in quarantine, from dating a coworker to sexting across the world
The Dutch government reportedly suggested single people find a 'sex buddy' for lockdown