I'm polyamorous. My long-term partner has a wife and child and stays with me part time — here's how our relationship works.
- My partner and I have been together for over five years.
- When we met, we lived 50 miles apart. Then I moved even farther away.
Almost five years ago, Jake and I swiped right on each other on OkCupid, chatted for a few days, and arranged to meet up at a coffee shop near my work. We were enjoying each other's company so much that we extended our date to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. Then I went home to my husband, and he went home to his wife and child.
We're polyamorous. Polyamory is a form of ethical nonmonogamy; honesty and communication are a cornerstone of this love style. We're both free to explore connections and relationships with other people — I love hard, and I'm no longer willing to put my feelings for others into societally sanctioned boxes.
I'm not married anymore (a few months after that first date I got divorced for the second time), but Jake is, and he and I are still together.
We were long-distance, and then I moved even farther away
For the first half of our relationship, we were long-distance. Initially we were 50 miles apart — a fairly easy highway drive — and could see each other a few times a week. Then I had to change jobs in a hurry thanks to the pandemic, and I ended up moving farther away.
This would've been a logical time to end our relationship, because suddenly it became a lot more complicated to see each other. But Jake drove 130 miles each way through the mountains (and on winding country roads) every weekend to see me. When the job I'd made that move for went sideways, I knew I needed to do whatever I could to move closer.
It took me changing careers to a field that wasn't location based, but after eight largely miserable months of that even longer distance, I managed to move to Jake's city. I've been here for more than two years as a fully remote worker, and I'm planning to buy a house in 2024.
As a result, our relationship is better than ever. We're finally a part of each other's regular lives, and we can see each other every day.
We have our own routines, just like any other couple
We've developed routines that work for us. If you saw us out and about buying groceries or picking up a takeout dinner, you'd never suspect the true nature of our relationship.
Jake stays at my place part time, spending a few nights a week and part of every weekend with me. He has a toothbrush in my medicine cabinet and a small dresser so he no longer has to pack a bag to go back and forth.
I share my home with three cats (two of whom predate my relationship with Jake and one we adopted together), and Jake loves them, too. My calico cat is especially fond of him and loves to crash his Zoom meetings when he works from my apartment.
In addition to the normal rhythm of life as two working adults, we travel together. This year we took our first weeklong vacation. We rented a condo in Nova Scotia and took our work with us, attending to job duties for part of every day while also finding time to visit museums and otherwise be tourists.
We make time for overnight getaways often and have another big vacation coming up this winter for my birthday. I'm turning 40, and spending this milestone birthday together will mean so much.
We're building an unconventional future together
Our path doesn't involve living together or getting married, but that doesn't mean we're any less committed to each other. We've already seen each other through so much — career changes, moves, even medical issues — and Jake's opinion will count when I start looking for a home to buy.
I like to summarize our relationship like this: Third (nonlegal, nonmonogamous, nonresidential) "husband" is the charm!