- As part of the 'Sandwich Generation,' I'm caring for an older parent while caring for my kids.
- My father, now 84, requires assistance due to aging and lingering effects from a past accident.
On Christmas Day 2022, I felt pulled between polar extremes. That morning, I awoke early to open Santa's gifts with my enthusiastic eight-year-old son. Sitting in the glow of hundreds of twinkling tree lights, I savored the delight of my child as he ripped through wrapping paper to discover the treasures inside each box.
Then that evening, I settled into a stiff chair in the cramped ICU room where my 83-year-old dad lay drifting in and out of consciousness. I'd made the hour-long trek to the hospital in my hometown to sit vigil with him for the past three days, after he had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia used during an emergency appendectomy.
As I sat there listening to the beeps of machines and the soft rhythm of my father's breath, I felt the weight of being part of the "Sandwich Generation" — raising a small child while caring for an aging parent.
Becoming my dad's caregiver caused a shift in our relationshp
My father turned 39 years old two days after I was born. Growing up, I never really noticed that I had "old" parents. My dad always did all the same things younger parents did — teaching me to swim, taking me sledding in the snow, playing in the surf with my sister and me at the beach.
But during my junior year of college, my parents were in a car crash that killed my mom and left my dad pretty seriously injured. That double-punch of losing my mom and recovering from significant injury seemed to age my vibrant 60-year-old dad overnight. Though he eventually healed, I felt a shift in our relationship — for the first time, I took on the role of caregiver for my father.
More than 20 years later, my dad is a relatively healthy, independent 84-year-old. But even so, he still needs help at doctor's appointments because he's deaf in one ear and has trouble hearing and understanding what his physicians say. He also still has some lingering effects from the accident, which require medication and maintenance. And over the past decade, he's spent time in the hospital for everything from chest pains to appendicitis.
Balancing taking care of my dad and my son has been difficult
At the same time, I'm a 45-year-old working mom of an elementary school-aged kid — an older parent myself. I'm also lucky to have two sisters who help share duties like taking my dad to the doctor or sitting with him during hospital stays. But even with that support system, things happen — during my dad's most recent hospital visit, my older sister was stuck home with COVID, and my younger sister eventually had to go back to work at her teaching job.
Even when my sisters are available to help, I still want to be there for my dad. I'm fortunate that freelancing allows me work flexibility to make that happen, but the mom part of my life can be harder to balance when my dad also needs me.
When I'm juggling parenting and being a good daughter, I often feel like I'm failing at both endeavors. Inevitably I forget something my son needs for school, or I arrive late for one of my dad's appointments. And logistics aside, I sometimes feel as though I'm not giving either my son or my dad the full attention they deserve.
And there's a mental and physical toll that I don't like to admit. During my dad's weeklong hospital stay and for several weeks afterward as he recuperated with a physical therapist at home, I made the almost-daily drive to and from my hometown to be with him. Waking early to drop my son at school, spending most of the day helping my dad and then driving an hour home to be with my son and husband drained me physically and mentally.
Finding balance between these two seemingly opposite yet oddly similar caretaking roles can be difficult. And I don't always get it right. But I also know this is a season in my life. One day, neither of them will need me this way, and as hard as it can be to juggle a young child and an aging parent, I dread the day I no longer get to keep these balls in the air.