I'm obsessed with parenting videos and baby names. But I'm still not sure if I want to have kids.

• I'm not totally sure if I want to have kids yet, but I have tons of baby names in mind in case I do.
• I also save videos about things like gentle parenting so I'm prepared when the time comes.

I am currently obsessed with researching baby names and looking at parenting resources. And it's not just a few odd names I've collected over the years, but a list of almost 400 names saved on my phone that have caught my eye; my TikTok FYP is sometimes filled with baby-name videos.

On Instagram, I have 85 parenting posts saved in a folder called "Kids Resources," including vegan baby-food recipes and kids' shoes. If I were an expectant parent, this probably wouldn't seem so out of the ordinary. But the thing is, I have no kids and have absolutely no plans for them in the near future. So why am I doing this?

I've always found names interesting

I think names are incredibly interesting in general, and there's a ton of content about baby names online. There are endless first-and-middle-name combinations and options for nicknames. I will think of a name I like — such as Hallie — and see how many variations I can find for which it could be a nickname (not many, in this case.)

I'll spend ages looking through videos about vintage names, writing down the ones I find interesting and coming back later to reflect on whether I like them. I find it so weird how our perception of names can change depending on where we first heard it, how often we repeat it, what we associate with it, and if we can change how we look at it.

It's also absurd how gendered names still are. Many have crossed between "masculine'" and "feminine" over time and may have similar sounds yet are put into these rigid groups. Fun fact: Hazel used to be considered a name for boys as well as a name for girls and is now gaining popularity again in the former category.

It's never too soon to prepare to have kids

My levels of preparation may be a teeny bit excessive, especially considering I'm not sure yet whether I'll have kids, and I'm definitely not shaming people for not doing the same thing; I know it's weird. My learning started as a way to find cool books for the kids in my life and just ended up as a decision to find out as much as I could for if and when I became a parent. Parenting looks so difficult, and it seems like there's little time actually to learn anything once you have children yourselves.

When it comes to the kind of content I watch, it's everything from parenting styles (from creators like @consciousmommy) to intuitive eating and body image (from creators like @growing.intuitve.eaters and @bodyhappyorg). I also enjoy learning about gentle parenting — which, unlike what many people assume, isn't just letting your child do what they want — and how to help your kids have a healthy relationship with food and their bodies.

I'm still figuring out if I even want to have children

As long I can remember, I thought I wanted children; I used to say that when I grew up, along with being an author, I wanted to be a mom. As I got older, however — and especially in recent years — I began to question whether I actually wanted them or whether the traditional societal path of getting married and having a house and kids was just ingrained in me from a young age.

I'm pretty sure I want children, but having seen people with young kids, I'm in no rush for now. I also have long COVID, so that creates a wrinkle for further plans — imagining being a parent with the levels of fatigue I have seems pretty impossible. Because of this, I generally try to stay in the present moment and take things one day at a time, or else I start to panic.

Upon reflection, it feels like maybe this obsession is a result of trying to gain some control at a point in my life when things feel pretty uncertain. If my symptoms worsen, I might get back to a place where I'm unable to do much at all, so I feel like prepping for an uncertain future helps settle my anxious brain. But overall, I've really enjoyed finding so many good accounts and would recommend social media as an accessible way to find parenting resources for anyone — whether you have kids, are expecting them, or are just extra enthusiastic like me!