I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, and relapsing while quarantined has been scarier than ever before

• Millions of Americans struggle with disordered eating, and coronavirus-related stress — including a loss of control over movement — can make that battle seem impossible.
• For writer Danielle Campoamor, the pandemic has triggered her own disordered eating habits, and she writes that this relapse "has been scarier than previous backslides."
• As others struggle to maintain their lives amid the uncertainty, one expert describes the environment as "the worst thing that can happen for someone with an eating disorder."
• But there are resources available to help, and Campoamor writes that she's still working toward recovery.
• Visit Insider's homepage for more stories.

I turn on the news to see the coronavirus death toll rising. I read a report about a severe shortage of personal protective equipment for frontline health care workers. My 5-year-old son is crying because he misses his teacher and "hates homeschool." My partner, an essential worker at an Amazon distribution center, tells me another person at the facility has tested positive for COVID-19. My 1-year-old won't stop throwing his toys. I'm dangerously close to missing another work deadline.

I feel so overwhelmed that my face starts to tingle and go numb. As my heart rate increases, I begin to pick at the skin on my thumbs and pace around my 700-square-foot apartment. Suddenly, I recall last night's leftovers — spaghetti with meatballs — sitting in the fridge. I quickly reheat and devour the entire container, wait five minutes, then go to the bathroom and force myself to throw up.

My heart rate settles. My face, while puffy, no longer feels tingly and paralyzed, and the panic subsides. I feel in control.

My recovery from disordered eating — anorexia and bulimia — has been far from perfect. Any major life change — a cross-country move, a lost job, the birth of a child, a friend's death — has pushed me to relapse. But falling back on my eating disorder at a time when so much is uncertain has been scarier than my previous backslides.

Millions of Americans struggle with disordered eating, and sheltering-in-place makes that battle much more difficult

As many as 30 million Americans live with eating disorders, according to The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. Every 62 minutes, at least one person dies because of an eating disorder, which makes it among the deadliest of all mental illnesses.

At the moment, many Americans are also sheltering in place to mitigate the spread of the coronavirus. Isolation, fear, and a loss of control makes it that much harder for people like me to either recover from or avoid disordered eating.

"Eating disorders and disordered eating are all about getting control back, and the general public, right now, we don't have any control over our movements," Hayley Miller, a dietitian and eating disorder specialist practicing in New York City, told Insider.

Historically, the general public has misunderstood the cause of disordered eating, citing vanity or a lack of willpower. One only has to look as far as online jokes and memes about gaining weight during COVID-19 isolation to see that these attitudes are alive and well.

Mental health issues, trauma and abuse, genetic predisposition, family history, and a diet-focused culture are often triggers

When my eating disorder took hold more than 10 years ago, it was quickly dismissed by friends and family members as a sorry attempt to avoid the "freshman 15" — a way to cut corners and stay in shape. In fact, it stemmed from a childhood riddled with abuse, two separate sexual assaults, and seven knee surgeries that took away my ability to remain active.

Even in the best of circumstances, overcoming disordered eating is difficult. But now — amid a public health crisis that has already resulted in 10 million lost jobs, 6.6 million people filing for unemployment, and 30 million children out of school — it can feel impossible.

Brian Pollack, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in eating disorders and founder and director of Hilltop Behavioral Health, told Insider that those with disordered eating habits "turn to food as a sophisticated way to numb [themselves] from the things [they] don't understand."

For Liza Walter, a 37-year-old mom living in New Jersey, food became a coping mechanism after a childhood of physical and emotional abuse, eventually developing into a bingeing disorder. In 2018 she decided to work towards healthier eating habits, but is now finding it difficult to not rely on her previous, unhealthy eating patterns.

"Since my baseline is severe anxiety and binge eating, this pandemic has heightened my mental health issues to an extreme I've never experienced before," Walter told Insider. "It's hard not to 'cope' with comfort food because, well, the world is ending, right? So who cares? Everyday I wake up hoping today will be a different day. But I just had my fifth binge of the week and it's only Wednesday."

There is no timeline for when this pandemic will end, leaving my eating disorder to flourish for an unforeseen amount of time

That scares me, because I know how deadly this disease can be. It also scares me because I know I'm not alone. As the coronavirus causes a rise in alcohol and drug relapses, Pollack says the pandemic is undoubtedly disrupting those in recovery from an eating disorder, and is likely to breed disordered eating habits in others.

"Everyone is in survival mode," he said. "And when you're in survival mode it's about making sure everything is OK. Probably in the [near future], if this continues, we're going to start getting more calls, because the reality is going to settle in and people's anxiety will be insurmountable."

Paige Alexandria, a 28-year-old living in Austin, Texas, is feeling the effects of that anxiety. After developing an eating disorder at 14, she has been in imperfect recovery from restricting, bingeing, and purging. Now, as a result of self-isolation, she fears she's relapsing.

"Feeling in control is really the foundation of my recovery, and right now, things feel very out of control again," she says. "I'm someone whose recovery is rooted in a structured routine. Now that there's a lot of time spent doing nothing, it's really easy to fall back into old patterns, and I always find I'm my own worst enemy when I have enough time to think about it."

Sheltering-in-place and practicing social distancing are crucial to maintaining the health and wellbeing of ourselves and others. But for those with disordered eating habits, these protections double as triggers. It's easier to fall into unhealthy habits when you lack the accountability of others, especially without access to established support networks.

In trying to keep myself and my family healthy, I am becoming increasingly unhealthy. And the longer we're isolated at home, stripped of our routines, I fear my unhealthy eating habits will only continue to thrive.

"It's like the perfect storm," Hayley Miller said. "It's the worst thing that can happen for someone with an eating disorder."

There are resources available for those who are recovering from or developing an eating disorder

"[People] should be aware of whatever their triggers are for their different behaviors," Miller said. "What are their coping skills? What are ways they can structure their time, so that they don't rely on the eating disorder? Also, part of this is acceptance — this is going to be something that's more attractive right now, so they need to remind themselves why they don't want to go back to it."

And while in-person sessions are no longer an option, Brian Pollack says there is a network of specialists ready to help those struggling.

"Regressions are going to happen, and [certified eating disorder therapists] offer telehealth services. So don't be afraid to reach out," he said. A good place to start your search, should you need expert support, is the International Association for Eating Disorder Professionals.

I hear the climbing death toll on the nightly news as I prepare dinner. My partner sends me a picture from work, proof he is wearing the homemade mask I gave him. My children start crying over a toy. I quickly realize we haven't been outside in six days.

I start picking at the skin on my thumb, my face starts to tingle and go numb, and my heart rate increases. But instead of preparing eight packets of ramen noodles to eat and then quickly purge, I leave the dinner to simmer, turn off the television, give my sons two coveted toys, and text my support person.

The urge to skip a meal remains. The false sense of control that accompanies every purge still beckons. But in this moment, the simple act of reaching out to someone who understands feels monumental towards regaining my recovery and working towards a healthier tomorrow.

Resources, support, and information about disordered eating can be found through the National Eating Disorders Association hotline: (800) 931-2237. NEDA also offers an online chat helpline.

Danielle Campoamor is a reproductive justice advocate and freelance writer and editor published in The New York Times, Washington Post, CNN, NBC, Vogue, Glamour, The Daily Beast, The Independent, Teen Vogue, Playboy, Marie Claire, and more. She lives in Brooklyn with her partner and their two children.