I'm ignored by my step-dad, who spoils my sister with Christmas gifts. Should I tell him how hurt he makes me feel?

• You should be honest with your father about your feelings and needs. To do that, reflect on what gifts and money symbolize for you.
• Use "I" statements when speaking with your dad and offer new ways to interact so he can try to meet your needs.
• If your father continues to ignore your needs or can't meet them, you can set a boundary to protect your mental peace.

Editor's note: I've been writing Doing It Right since 2019, and remembered this one from from last year that I wanted to cue up before the holidays, as Christmas-gift shopping is on the top of everyone's minds right now.

Dear Julia,

My mom passed away three months ago, leaving my 80-year-old step-dad. They have been supporting my disabled sister completely for 30 years, buying her a house, car, paying all her bills, and giving her $400 a week. They also support my cousin from the UK who has overstayed his visa for 7 years.

Since my dad takes care of my sister, I do everything for Dad. I made him $25,000 doing an estate sale, not asking for a penny, paid for mom's headstone and flowers, and organized her funeral. I paid for his ticket to visit me for Christmas and treated him like a king, as always.

My sister is very demanding and often asks for extra money and items. Dad told me he gave my sister and cousin $500 each for Christmas. On Christmas, after I gave him his gifts, he announced he had nothing for me! I was shocked and very hurt. He is quite well-off and money is not an issue.

Do you think I'm being too sensitive? Should I tell him how I feel? I'm having a hard time dealing with the hurt.

- Texas

Dear Texas,

I can understand the hurt you feel from being excluded, especially at such a gift-filled time of year.

Gift-giving and family dynamics can both be fraught with misunderstandings. But communicating your needs and setting your expectations for your father accordingly can help, therapist and Connections Wellness Group CEO Awstin Gregg told me.

Understand what money and gifts mean to you, then express that

Before you approach your dad, reflect on what receiving money or gifts from a loved one means to you.

According to Gregg, the importance of a gift tends to symbolize more than its monetary value, so understanding how you look at it can help you pinpoint the needs you'd like to communicate.

For example, when you gave your dad money to help him during a hard time, that could symbolize your love for him. And perhaps you wanted him to show you that appreciation in return.

"This is often what we're searching for, and we use symbols throughout our day to communicate these things," Gregg told me.

Once you understand why your dad's lack of gifts stung so much, express that to him. It's the only way he can understand your needs and potentially meet them, according to Gregg.

To do that, use "I" statements to explain the behavior you noticed around gift-giving and then describe how it made you feel.

You could say something like, "Dad, I noticed you gave my sister and cousin Christmas gifts, but I didn't get a gift from you. I felt unappreciated and unloved because for me, those gifts represent those sentiments."

Finally, offer a solution that would allow your father to meet your needs. You could ask that your family discusses holiday gifts before gathering to make sure everyone feels loved and accounted for. Maybe you'd prefer to receive love from your dad in different ways, like through phone check-ins or supportive text messages.

If your dad continues the behavior, set a boundary to protect your peace

After having this difficult conversation, Gregg suggested setting your expectations since it's unlikely your dad will change his behavior overnight. Take note of small changes, and consider ways to improve your relationship throughout the year, like by finding hobbies you share.

There's also a chance your father won't understand or tend to your needs after you share them. If that's the case, you can set a boundary with him.

If you notice he continues to offer your other family members gifts but ignores you, you could tell him how you'll change you behavior accordingly. For example, you could say you won't attend future holiday gatherings if his behavior continues.

Though uncomfortable, it's important you protect your mental well-being in ways you can control, Gregg told me.

"Setting a boundary like this with a family member does not mean abandoning the relationship, not at all. However, it does adjust the dynamic so that her needs can be fulfilled in healthier environments, rather than trying to find it in a place it might not exist," he said.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

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