- It's normal to have partnered
sex less frequently during quarantine. - Spending more time apart can boost intimacy, so try to prioritize other relationships in your life.
- You shouldn't equate your partner's
masturbation habit to your self-worth; partnered sex and masturbation aren't inherently related. - Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. You can read more Doing It Right here.
I'm an openly gay man, and due to the pandemic I've been living with boyfriend of 1.5 years.
Normally because of school and work we only see each other two or three days out of the week. But right now we are both forced to stay home, and it has quickly become a problem.
Before the pandemic I felt like my boyfriend found my relatively high sex drive an annoyance and turn off. I rarely find myself not in the mood for sex, and would like to have sex multiple times a day like we used to earlier on in the
Currently, we have sex once a day and I'm content with it. But my boyfriend masturbates on a daily basis, even though I'm open and willing to participate in just about anything he wants. It makes me feel rejected, unattractive, and like I'm not good enough to satisfy his desires.
We have talked about it multiple times and he has tried reassuring me that it has nothing to do with my attractiveness, but it's hard for me not to take it that way.
In the past, he's made statements implying that my behavior and feelings toward the subject are unattractive, that the novelty of having sex with me is what makes it desirable, and that he is more turned on by the "hard to get" attitude he has experienced with others in his past relationships.
I'm 24, and he's four years older and has experienced a lot more sexually than I have, which heightens my insecurity. When I bring this up, he says he's adventured enough, and isn't particularly interested in doing so with me.
I love him, and I know he is trying to be understanding, but he refuses to talk about the subject further. He thinks it's a waste of time, and I don't know how to deal with my insecurities. Is there anything I can do to improve the situation for the both of us?
- California
Dear California,
It can be frustrating when you and your partner don't see eye-to-eye on sex. But his decision to masturbate, and to do it often, has nothing to do with you, though it may seem that way.
As New York City-based therapist and Tribeca Therapy founder Matt Lundquist told me: "Humans find different sorts of enjoyment in different kinds of sexual activity."
Sure, partnered sex and self-pleasure can both result in an orgasm. But sometimes, a person just wants a bit of solo exploration.
According to Lundquist, many couples he works with have seen a decline in their sexual frequency during the pandemic. What you're experiencing is normal, and you shouldn't read into your partner's masturbation as a comment on you.
You've may have become too reliant on your partner during the pandemic
Many of us are lacking connection with their friends, family, and other people we'd normally spend time with, Lundquist said. Often, this leads to an over-reliance on your live-in partner for your sexual, emotional, and social needs. That can be too much.
"What so many couples are realizing is that one person isn't, as Kurt Vonnegut put it, 'enough people,'" Lundquist said. "This expresses itself certainly in sex but, perhaps less obviously, in other areas of the relationship as well."
He suggested your and your partner prioritize time apart, which is something your boyfriend is expressing, though not in the most sensitive way.
Use time apart to get to know yourself, and foster existing relationships with friends and family (virtually or distanced). It may seem counterintuitive, but Lundquist said time apart can actually boost intimacy.
Don't let your partner's sex drive affect your self-confidence
You shouldn't let your boyfriend's masturbation habit or his lower sex drive affect how you view yourself or your relationship.
"It's a mistake to think that his partners' shifting interest in sex, which may be about quarantine, or could in fact be about the evolution of the relationship, as a problematic sign," Lundquist said.
A variety of factors, from age to hormones and stress levels, can influence how often a couple has sex, the type of sex they crave, and the environment they need to be in to have good sex.
While there's no simple fix, having an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend will help. Discuss new ways to both feel sexually satisfied (perhaps you could masturbate more, too). And let him know you're working on your self-confidence and would love his continued support.
Lundquist said you shouldn't expect a perfect compromise, but continue to check in on each other to ensure your needs are both met.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of
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